It was March 2013. I was a single mother of a 3 year-old and 4 month old. I had just gotten us a little, income based apartment. The first home I had provided to my daughter, and now son on my own. My husband, the father of my children, had left me two months after we were married.
He left me for an 18 year-old girl; one of which had no intentions on being a responsible care taker for our children. The abuse started. I was used to being the abused with him. Mentally, physically, emotionally... at one point, I was so blind by my "love" for him, that I frequently discounted is to, "that is just how he is." Until he no longer had me to abuse. Instead, it was our children.
I will not go in to the horrific details here as I feel that is for my children to divulge when they are old enough to understand. But it was at this time that I had finally caved. It had been 7 months since our separation; multiple calls to the police for this or that, DHS for this mark and that bruise or this burn and that rash, and all while I went through a miscarriage of our son's twin, a high risk pregnancy and trying to complete my Bachelor's Degree. I was defeated.
So one night, after tucking my babies into bed, I went outside and watched the snow fall as I smoked a cigarette. Each drag was long and slow. "Tonight is beautiful," I thought to myself, "They will be safer with my parents, my mom will protect them better than I can." After what seemed like my hundredth cigarette, I went inside and pulled up YouTube.
Search: "How to commit suicide as painless as possible."
I was going to end my life. My daughter probably would not remember me and my son would never know me. They would be without their mother but if I was no longer here, maybe their dad would stop neglecting and or abusing them. If he didn't step up, my mom would keep them safe. They could learn to be strong, educated, and bold like her. Things I obviously was not.
Recommended Video: "How to do victory rolls by Pinup Doll Ashley Marie"
"What on earth does that video have anything to do with what I am watching!?" But man was her hair gorgeous. God, the universe, my guardian angel, something stepped in at that very moment. I clicked watch.
As I began to watch, I was inspired. Encouraged. Ashamed. I was going to take myself away from my babies because of the opinion of someone else. I had been hell bent to prove him and everyone else wrong up until that night and just like that I was going to give up!
No. NO! I will not let him win. I will not let my children growing up thinking I was a victim or a coward. I am a survivor and my children are survivors!
The next day, I took the last six dollars I had and walked next door to the Dollar General. I bought a liquid eyeliner and red lipstick. I was TERRIFIED and in the beginning I looked goofy, but that red lipstick gave me my confidence back. Overtime, I emerged myself in the style, culture, and history of all things pinup/ rockabilly. I got me back.
Fast forward: The kids and I are doing fabulous. They are both special needs due to the trauma they experienced in the beginning and genetics. Their father has not been around them alone since December 2015 and as of November 2017, I was given sole custody. I own a huge house with a giant yard and 5 months after purchasing our home and brand new car as a SINGLE MOM, I met the man who is now my husband.
Ladies, do not EVER forget your worth. Do not EVER give someone that power over you. Your mama needs you. Your babies need you. Your best friend needs you. The world NEEDS YOU! Find what brings out your inner Bad Little Beauty and gives you confidence but also peace. You got this! I know you do!