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Would I Be Proud of Me?

A Deep Conversation

Today my friends and I were sat having a deep conversation and it sparked a lot of thoughts. The topic was:

If I was my daughter would I be proud of myself?

Now this can sounds slightly confusing or weird so the simplest way we came up with to explain it is if I had a daughter that was exactly the same as myself and had made all the life decisions I had made, would I be proud?

Thankfully, for myself, the answer was yes. I have of course made some pretty awful decisions as I think everyone has, but ultimately I would be proud of me and that gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride in myself.

Now here comes the main reason for the continuing of thoughts. Between September 2017–September 2018 I have already and will be making many big life changing steps and each one got me thinking.

At the start of that year I got myself my very first serious boyfriend. I have never been the type of girl that had boys wanting my attention and was often classed as the "ugly" friend of the group. At the time I was hurt and saddened by this, but looking back at it now the time I spent as a "single-pringle" has allowed me to grow into the person I am today. I still have faults and things I'd like to tweak (my uncontrollable sweet tooth being one of them) but ultimately I'm proud of the person I have become. I think it says a lot about a person if they can confidently say they are happy as the person they are. It has taken its time of course, and I had my fair share of evenings crying into my pillow, but I got there eventually and that's what counts. Once I do have children of my own, I want them to be as happy in their own skin as I am and to believe in themselves.

Second big step for me was quitting my first ever job to start a new one. Though it's nowhere near making a life changing career move as it's still a weekend job and I have a long way to go for my actual career, it was still a major step. It was my very first job that I had been at for over two years. I felt secure and needed at this job. However, the reasons I left, in my opinion, were good reasons, therefore reaffirming the view that I would be proud of myself. I felt under appreciated and taken advantage of in certain ways. Despite all this I feel I left the company on good terms and still thanked them for the opportunities because I knew that the training I had received helped me get my new job. It is thanks to my old job that I am a trained barista and therefore could slot into my new job with ease. The scariest moment was leaving something that was secured and moving into the unknown which takes me back to my first point of growing into the person I am. Comfort zones are great but are also made to be broken.

Now moving onto the things that are to come and how I am hoping to execute them in such a way that I make the most out of the situation.

At the end of this coming school year I will be leaving the place I have called home since 2012. I auditioned for my drama school when I was 13. In fact it was the day after I turned 13 and was successful. I then went to the Sunday school until I was 16 and now have been full time for the past three years. To let something go that has been such a huge part of my life for a long time will be major. To not be able to see the same teachers who believed in me and supported me every day will be heart breaking, however I know that if I ever need help they are a phone call away. I hope that my new adventures won't make me "forget" about them. I want to walk out of there thankful for everything they have helped me achieve but also not let my sadness overshadow my new chapter in my life. 

Now, for that next chapter. In September I will be continuing my training at a further drama college hoping to make my dream of being on stage a reality. Now for the fun part, unfortunately the exact course I am doing comes with no government funding. For the first time, I will be having to budget and sort out my own food, rent, and bills. I have never had to do this before! However I have set a goal to not ask my mum for any help. I have the money and so I want make myself proud by budgeting for the whole year. It is my goal and my mission for the following year to make it happen. If I have to use 99p shampoo I will. I am determined! It'll be the small victories that make me proud of myself.

It's a small thought but one that kept me thinking for a while. Luckily my friends and I all answered the question with a yes and I think that just shows so much about ourselves. We have all made mistakes, but it's helped us to learn and grown because in the long run no one is perfect.

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