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There have been a multitude of things in my life that have made me truly happy. Anything ranging from my friends, to my family, to beautiful experiences I've had, to opportunities that were given to me. I love going to summer concerts, and weekend visits to my best friends. One of my favorite places in the whole world is the coffee shop. It makes me so happy to just sit there any enjoy the atmosphere and the good coffee. I love trying new food and drinking wine. I love doing things that are exciting and new and that I know are going to make me happy!
BUT, like any other human being on this planet, I've also been completely miserable. I've had love and sadness. I've dealt with loss and grief. I've held hate in my heart and I've made mistakes. I've been utterly and completely happy and I've been so depressed that the marks I dug into my arm went from little scrapes to deep ridges. I have been so mad at the world that I chose to do so many things that would just ruin my life. Looking back at the last 21 years of my life, I realize that a lot of the things I did, I did to myself. I chose to start drama and be a bitch. I chose to go out with boys that weren't always the nicest. I chose to get really drunk at some party and I chose to sleep in my car when I was too embarrassed to just go home. I chose to change my major a million times and I chose to be friends with people who were toxic for me. I chose to work in an environment that took me away from some excellent opportunities. However, some things I also just couldn't avoid. Like falling in love with people who were never going to love with me or getting hurt by a person who shouldn't have ever been in my life in the first place. I couldn't avoid not making enough money, and I couldn't control what other people did around me that sometimes unfortunately affected me. I couldn't always control my mood, or my feelings. I have let, and still let, the anxiety get the best of me and for a long time the sadness took complete control over my entire persona. For so many years I chose to do things that were inevitably going to make me miserable for probably a couple different reasons. One being for attention, even though I'm not the type of person to share my personal life. Another being, just to be rebellious. And a third reason being just for the experience. I'm the type of person that would rather experience everything first hand and learn that way, rather than just taking someones advice.
I absolutely hate when people say that just because I'm 21 that I don't know what I'm talking about or that I haven't really lived. You don't know what I've done because I don't like to share my mistakes. I want the people I surround myself with to see that I'm a strong individual. That I'm not screwed up and that I didn't make mistakes. I've probably done more and experienced more as a young person than a good majority of people my age have. So yes, I do know what I'm talking about. I'm just not going to share every personal experience I had with that certain drug, or that certain type of guy, or that teacher, or family member, or whatever/whoever the situation is about.
I finally decided to stop taking pity on myself. To stop making myself miserable. I began changing the way my mind thought. I take every negative aspect of my life now and see how I can be more positive about it. I learn a lesson from every boy and I'm grateful for our time together. I look for the good in people and in every day experiences. I don't put myself in toxic situations anymore. I'm choosing to do the right thing and be a better person. I'm loving myself, all the good and the bad. This means that I'm not going to go to a party or stay out until 3am, and I'm perfectly okay with that. It means I'm going to put school in front of hanging out with people who aren't motivated like me, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I've decided that I'm not going to be friends with a certain type of person because they don't benefit me, and that better be okay with everyone involved. No longer am I going to do things that are going to make me unhappy, no longer will I be thinking negative thoughts, no longer will I let other people make me unhappy.
Why I finally decided to just be happy is because it's too much work being angry and depressed all the time. It's too hard dealing with stupid drama and it's too much work being a grump all the time. Being angry and sad does too much damage to my physical body and to my mental state of mind. More importantly, though, I just don't want to be that way anymore. Choosing to be happy has been one of the greatest things I have ever done for myself. I have let love and joy into my cold, cold heart and opened up to so many new things. I have been building and fixing relationships that I had broken with the people who love me unconditionally. I have just stopped being mad at the world for whatever reason I was mad about so many years ago.
I believe that the greatest thing that a person can do to achieve happiness is to just let go. Let go of any hate you have, let go of any sadness you're holding onto, let go of the things that are toxic. Do things that will make you happy. Take an art class, learn an instrument, go to the gym, eat chocolate cake, sleep in, go on an adventure! I decided to just be happy and I only began to tell you how much that decision has changed my life.