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Who Says I'm Not Good Enough? Oh, Right—I Do

These are the first baby steps in re-wiring the parts of me who believe I'm not enough.

By Chrissy ShawPublished 5 years ago 2 min read
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It's Sunday morning and so far I'm the only one in my house who's awake. I'm enjoying my coffee and the peace and quiet - or I'm trying to, anyways. The truth is, underneath that early Sunday stillness, there still exists that voice. The one I've been trying to satisfy for as long as I can remember.

This morning, that voice is telling me it's time to get up. That I'm wasting time, that it's time to go for a run — followed by the never ending list of things that need to get done. And it's not totally wrong. I did tell myself I'd go for a run FOR SURE this morning. It's just that, sometimes, it would be nice to actually fully enjoy this early-ish morning peace, without being constantly reminded (by my own damn mind) of what I'm currently NOT getting done what I SHOULD be getting done.

And even when I'm doing the things I say I want/need to do… somehow, it's often not good enough even then. If I go for a run, my mind will say "Well, you should have run longer." If I work on my book, I'll hear, "You should have written more." Clearly this theme is something that affects every area of my life, and is one I need to figure out how to change.

The most interesting thing about this "not good enough" theme that keeps trying to run my life, is that I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who actually feels that way about myself. It took me until as recently as my 30s to figure out that I seemed to be the only one I knew who thought I wasn't measuring up. Everyone else in my life thinks I'm doing just fine. Better than fine, really.

I don't know where this obsessive need to prove I'm good enough came from. I have no idea how or why or when I decided that I —and therefore everything I do —is never enough. It's a mantra that's weighed me down ever since my teenage years, and well into my 30s, until I finally became aware of it.

Awareness of an issue is the first step, right? But, truthfully, it's only a small step. The other ones? The steps to actually change things? In my experience, those are often murky and unclear (at least until after the fact). And they're hard to stick with, too. After all, it's much easier to keep travelling on the same worn path you've always been on. It's much harder to forge new trails.

I've never been afraid of a challenge, though. Wait—that's not entirely true. I usually am afraid of a challenge. And the more personal and meaningful the challenge is, the more scared I am. It's just that, I don't back down. Even when I'm terrified. Even when I have no idea what I'm doing. That tenacity and stubborn unwillingness to quit is thanks to my parents. I don't know where I'd be without it.

So, I sit here this morning, sipping my coffee, and I gently tell that voice inside: "Yes. I'll get up and go for a run, after I finish enjoying my coffee. Thank you for looking out for me. Now let me enjoy this peaceful stillness." I don't know if that'll help, but I'm pretty sure it won't hurt, and maybe —just maybe—it's the necessary first step.

self help
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About the Creator

Chrissy Shaw

Book lover, writer, Equine Massage Therapist, Mom of 4, Office Manager for my husband's comapny, and so much more...

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