Who Am I?

A lot of people say cheesy things like “follow your heart and it will lead you to your unanswered questions” or “follow your passion and you will find your purpose” but what if I don’t believe in that anymore? What if that has always been a lie? A lie to keep people in this world, to keep them from thinking that they don’t even exist.

I was always a sucker for movies that seemed to have a happy ending. I don’t mean the kind of ending that has the girl get the dream guy but the kind where someone finds themselves, where they know who they are in the end. I guess it’s safe to say that the only reason I am probably a sucker for those type of movies is because I don’t even know who I am. What am I supposed to be? An ordinary person who lives their life like everyone else pretending to be someone they're not? Or a type of person that has been lost their entire life wishing they know who they were? I don't want that; I want to live my life knowing who I am and not who I think I am.

Looking around and going to places, all I see are different kinds of people. People who are pretending to be someone other than themselves, people who are changing because someone wants them to, or people who live their life day by day trying to discover who they are. There are also a few people in this world who know who they are and they live their life to the fullest. So which am I?

I want to discover who I am but honestly, how can I? How can I find myself if I can’t do anything without supervision or a chaperone? There are so many things that I want to do, stuff that can maybe help me find me. I want to see if I like to hike, or to travel; I want to volunteer, to learn, to experience. I want to face this world on my own. Me, myself and I. No siblings watching over me, no parents, no friends, no guardians; just me.

I turned 18 in October and I still haven’t done anything exciting for me. When someone turns 18, that is the year everyone discovers who they are. That is the year when you start to enjoy life. But I can't.

Every Friday starting from Jan. 26 until now I’ve been a prisoner in my own house. I can’t go out because I have no drivers license and even then I still can’t go out. I can’t go for a walk around my neighborhood enjoying some fresh air because I’m not allowed to go alone. I can’t even go to the park which isn’t far from my house. Because no is there to go with me, I can’t go.

How am I supposed to find myself in a one-story house that feels like a routine? My whole life has been like a routine. I wake up, may or may not eat breakfast, go to school, wait for someone to pick me up, do homework, eat dinner, sleep. If I get lucky maybe I can squeeze in some time to hang out with friends, but that is a big maybe.

I feel like I’m still a kid. Granted, I still act like one because I enjoy being a kid, but it’s time for me to grow up and I can’t do that without experiencing stuff on my own. That is the whole point is being an adult; it's to experience and learn from my mistakes. To be a grown up. My family treats me as if I’m this little girl that needs protection, my friends treat me as if I need to be looked after as well.

Why can’t people trust me? Like actually trust me to be on my own. To have faith that I am capable of knowing right and wrong and of taking care of myself. How am I supposed to prove to them if they can’t give me a chance to do so? I know for sure I won't be able to prove anything by being trapped in a one-story house forever.

So til this day, my question remains the same, "Which am I?"