Where Were You Last Year - Pt.2

Wow. Well, that came on fast. My 18 years of life are being fulfilled this very moment and I feel g r e a t... but not quite in the moment. The day before my birthday, I was laying on the floor of my room crying (I know, what a great way to start this essay, especially with that intro line?!). But for real, I was crying. Sobbing actually. I already had my annual family birthday the weekend before and that was nice but I always kinda of hated it because it never felt personal. The party was fun as always but I was missing my friends. A lot of my friends couldn't show up because it's the first week of college and everyone is moving or freaking out about starting school. So no one kind of showed. My real wish for my 18th was just to see all of my friends again. I was willing to turn around, go back to Monterey for two days and burn back down to SoCal for Labour Day weekend, just to have a bonfire with them. But plans fell through, and I couldn't get all of my friends to come one one day so yeah, I was crying my eyes out. Yeah, it hurt like a bitch. Yeah, I laid there on the night before my 18th, crying my eyes out, trying to figure out a way to make my only true birthday wish happen. But it didn't. I guess there's no better slap in the face of reality than that. Welcome to damn adulthood little Lo. Who knew being 18 would be so heartbreaking.

My birthday happened to fall on a Tuesday this year, literally the most inconvenient day of the week; and I was convinced that even my sis and her boyfriend (my room mates now) weren't going to do anything with me because they were working and busy. I sobbed some more. I just wanted to see my friends and have a bonfire for my turn into adulthood but no. The Universe couldn't provide that for me. I just wanted one simple wish but I guess it wasn't simple enough.

I was questioning myself, my life, my friends—everything. I have never felt more unsure of anything in my life. I felt betrayed. I felt so alone. I haven't felt that alone in a long time. As much as I hated it, it was 10:40 PM on a Monday, and I knew that none of my friends were up or if they were up, they were working and couldn't talk to me. So grudgingly and with a lot of willpower, I called my mom. I couldn't believe I was calling her to whine. I was going to be 18 in a matter of hours and I was calling. my. mom. God, I had never felt so incompetent and more like a child in my life. I love my mom, she's a sweet lady. But I never really talked to her much about anything in my life. When I did, it was when I really needed someone to talk to and when no one else who I normally talk to was available. I never liked to bother her. She didn't and doesn't need any more stress in her life. But for once in my life, I actually talked to her about what was on my mind. I hated every second of it, but I was desperate as hell. I didn't want to be miserable on my birthday. I knew that I needed to get out of my head and the only slap in the face to that is to talk to someone so you can hear how ridiculous you sound. So there I sat, crying on the floor of my room way too late, trying to heal these new, fresh wounds that I didn't expect to cut me so deep, so quickly. I cried and cried and cried. I have never felt so young and such like a baby in my life. And in the end, I still felt like shit. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want my birthday to happen. I wanted to be home. I wanted certain people to come through the door of my apartment tomorrow and surprise me. I wanted my friends near me instead of being 300 miles away. I wanted to party the f*ck up and have a great time because I am turning 18! Are you kidding me?! I should be partying! I made it this far without killing myself over stupid accidents and even stupider decisions! That's something to celebrate in itself! But more than anything, I just wanted to stop crying. I wanted this hell show to be over with. I knew at the end of the day, I wanted too much, asked for too much, and excepted too much of everyone and everything. My birthday was on a Tuesday and it was the first week of college. No one is going to show up or be available. I guess for a second I actually thought I was important. It's okay, I needed to be reminded that I'm not the shit. All that I am is just a little piece of shit. I crawled into my bed with red eyes and a heart full of anxiety and heartbreak—ready to burst. I fell asleep because I was tired of having my mind spin around and around with all of these anxiety filled thoughts. It wasn't just the situation with my friends, it was also the fact that I thought I was ready to be 18—an adult. What I've always dreamed of being since I was a baby. But in that moment in time, crying like that, I questioned my place to believe that I've been ready to be an adult all of my life. In that moment, I had never wanted to turn back the clock to simpler times more than right there. At that moment. And it was amazing; all of this misery happened within a 10 by 10 foot room on a Monday night for four hours. And then I woke up the next day better and fine. I find the physical space, time, and situation ratio hilarious in this case. But, I fell asleep hoping that tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow is the start of change and the start of my life. It's crazy how time can determine something so heavy-hitting even though time is a man made theory.

I prayed for a dream because my dreams have always told me the truth. I prayed for change. I prayed for a better tomorrow. I prayed for the Universe to provide for me. I prayed for a good year, full of new opportunities and new experiences that no one could take away from me. THIS IS WHAT BEING 18 IS ABOUT. It's about youryoung adult life where you finally have space to roam and do what you please. Yeah, you have an equal amount of responsibilities but who cares. At least you have your freedom.No one can take away your freedom. No one can take away the memories that you make between now and 11:59PM of your 29th, going on 30th, birthday. Yeah you'll make more memories later too, but it's the death of your 20s. Your young adulthood (18-29, by my standards) is such a pinnacle part of your life. And 18-21 is the most pinnacle part of your life. That's when everything changes. Think about it. You start and are nearing the end of college by the time you're 21. That's crazy. You go from being a child to an adultwithina summer. That's crazy. I believe that's also when you make the most memories. Think about your parents telling you their "back when I was a kid" stories. To them, a kid really meant being 18, 19, 20, 21 because for (of most of) our parents, it was a long time ago. I don't know, I always idolized the days where I could go have beach bonfires with my friends on Fridays and get hammered and go to parties and have long weekend trips to the lake where we would party some more and do fun stuff like that. I couldn't wait for that part of growing up. I wanted it so badly even though I was like, three.

But now that it was there, I was getting cold feet. Like a bride on the eve of her wedding, I, Lauren Day—always certain and sure about everything; was getting cold feet about growing up and turning into an adult. Something that I wanted for all of my life. When I say all of my life, I'm not joking. When I was a baby, my mom told me that I was angry all of the time because I wanted to walk even though all I could do was crawl—a developmental process that was out of my control. But never the less, I thought it was a mind over matter thing and I thought it was some bullshit that I couldn't walk. So I would throw temper-tantrums... like, a lot. Mom couldn't figure it out for the longest time until she saw me melting down in front of a bunch of standing, walking adults on Thanksgiving and she put two and two together. But my entire life had been that way. I was always in a rush to grow up. I was always angry that I wasn't an adult. My internal brain always felt like it was 21, so I thought therefore I should be an adult. I wanted to be one and be treated like one. But my body never caught up to my brain, and I was stuck in this awkward out-of-sync mind and body thing. I've been fiercely independent since birth and was always burning to have my freedom. But in my family, freedom came with age and was earned. But I wasn't there yet... until now. But now that it came, I felt unsure about everything. I was never unsure about too many things in my life. My gut and intuition was always right and strong. But there, in that moment, I was so unsure about something that was out of my control, that I wanted to control. I'm no God, but I wanted to be in that moment. I fell asleep from all of the mental exhaustion, praying to feel better.

My call out to the Universe worked. I woke up the next morning feeling better. Optimistic almost. It's amazing what a hard sleep can do to you. I got flooded with texts from friends and family wishing me good things. I got up and went for breakfast sushi (sushi on my birthday is a tradition for me). Had a great meal. Ran around with my sister's boyfriend who's birthday is a day after mine, and who had this day off too and had some fun. I rode 30 miles around town. My goal was just to be outside for the entire day because I had been couped up for the last four days. I was basically out until it was dark and it was a good day. beautiful day actually. The sky was clear and blue. Nice temp outside. Although I didn't get exactly what I wanted, I got a blue sunny day. What I always hope for. What I love. I thanked the Universe for at least giving me that. She knows how much I love the sun and beautiful days. It gave me a little piece of home since my birthday is at the end of August and for anyone who lives or lived in SoCal, you know what August brings to the Southland. But I've always gone surfing on my birthday (none of that this year, it was FLAT) but still, a good birthday. Better than I thought. I realized that things are not going to work out the way you want them to when you want them to and especially if you ask for something specific. Also, you have to find joy in what you have. Don't go chasing shit that's never going to happen even when you've exhausted all of the options and have been the mastermind behind the plan. If it's not going to work, then it's not going to work. Let it go and find another plan to make you happy. There's unexpected joys in everything if you just have the right perspective.

I thought a lot following up to the days of my 18th and one of them was how much things have changed from last year. I was so comfortable last year. So content (to some extent) in my little bubble of the world. I was trying to expand my horizons but I wasn't able to at that point due to the lack of age and resources. I realized that everything comes with age. You can't force you're age, only time can. I've tried to do that all my life and it's never got me anywhere. I was never comfortable with my age because I thought that I was older. I felt more secure with adults, than kids my age. I always tried to be like my older sister with her older friends doing older things simplicity because I thought that that's where I belonged. I belonged in the "big kid sandbox" to say at the least. I was always attracted to older guys, even when I was like, 13. I dated someone who was four years older than me when I was 17... yeah. Kinda living vicariously through his age I suppose.

I guess it's safe to say I've been chasing my correct age all of my life. And right now, I have never felt better to be an age. It feels good to be 18. It feels good to be an adult. I still wish I was 21 somedays (my true true age) but for the most part I'm enjoying what's in front of me. It finally seems like more opportunities are flowing my way for once. I'm enjoying the perks of being 18. I'm enjoying my freedom and trying to take being uncomfortable for most of my time as a lesson to take in stride. I'm enjoying college and managing myself. I'm enjoying the opportunities unfolding in front of me. I'm not trying to force anything. I'm trying to improve myself. It's hard, but I'm trying to fine tune myself now before I get older and your bad habits become your way of life. I don't want to become my dad or my mom or every damn adult I know where they get so stuck in their ways that they have these blinders on that blocks them from any other viewpoint or way of doing things. I don't want to be so stubborn. I don't want to be stuck in the past. I don't want to be angry at anyone or anything. I want to live my life happily. It's a small, stupid, child-like wish but when you think about it; is it really something that we should forget? I know 20 year olds were are jaded as hell and kept telling me that adulthood sucks. Yeah, I know. Sometimes it's not fun, but I'm ready for it. I'll go through hell and back some days but I know that not every day is going to be a beat down. All I've ever wanted is adulthood because adulthood meant freedom to me. And now that it's here, I'm ready to take it down, head on. A lot of things have changed in the last year. I may have gone through some bad times, some good times and some blah times, but current attitude towards life is I may not be here for a long time, but I'm here for a good time.

To 18 years. Cheers.