When Will My Life Begin?

Let me start off with a few quotes from a movie that is dear to my heart, Tangled, and just perhaps you will relate to them like I do:

“Rapunzel: [after leaving her tower; happily] I can't believe I did this!

Rapunzel: [worried] I can't believe I did this.

Rapunzel: [excitedly squealing] I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS!

Rapunzel: [nervous laughter] ... Mother would be so furious.

Rapunzel: [later, sitting on a rock holding some water lilies] Well, that's okay! I mean, what she doesn't know won't kill her, right?

Rapunzel: [rocking back and forth in a cave] Oh, my gosh... This would kill her!

Rapunzel: [frolicking around] THIS IS SOOO FUUUUUN!

Rapunzel: [standing on a tree branch, head up against the bark] ... I am a horrible daughter. I'm going back.

Rapunzel: [cartwheeling] I am NEVER going back! Woo-hoo!

Rapunzel: [face down in the grass] I am a despicable human being!

Rapunzel: [swinging around a tree] WOO-HOOO! BEST DAY EVER!” - Disney’s Tangled (2010)

Have you ever made a choice and felt that roller coaster of emotions? Because I certainly have, and to be completely honest, it happens more than I would like to admit. And it doesn't even take a major decision for me to get to this confusing emotional state. Some days I fall into it simply by recalling a memory.

Do you have days like that?

I admittedly was never the "popular" type of person, or at least I didn't feel as though I was. Growing up, I was outspoken, sparky, and wouldn't back down from a fight. This caused a great deal of conflict between me and those around me, and I was the start of most of the fights I got into. With this came words of correction and reform from the grown ups in my life, and although I look back on my life and I appreciate the level of love it took for some to correct me even though it was hard, there are others in my life who simply repressed my outgoing nature.

I began to seek out the approval of others and although it didn't completely set in until my late teens, it's still something that affects me each day. There is a constant nagging in the back of my mind if I'm saying or doing the right thing, and although that adds value in social settings, I have also been easily walked on because I refused to stand up for myself to those around me who have a stronger personality than myself. And as soon as a moment of conflict arises I go through a roller coaster of internal emotions that I have to deal with before I am even able to process the conflict I'm currently dealing with.

I'm also the shining definition of the underdog. Not only am I "always the bridesmaid and never the bride," I'm also "always the friend, never the girlfriend." The sheer amount of times I've been "friend zoned" is worthy of a trophy, but my cynical self believes someone else will be in first place, once again putting me in my rightful place: second.

When speaking to men I find it hard to be myself, especially when I find them attractive. My fear of rejection kicks in and I clam up. But it doesn't just stop there. I'm never 100 percent comfortable and even when I'm out of my shell, I can't seem to be cool or as astonishing as my friends.

A great deal of this could be my overbearing social anxiety that is a struggle to contain, and the constant fear that someone will find something wrong with me. I carry the negative words of people whom I don't even speak with anymore, and I anticipate the same reaction from those who I have barely met.

It's paralyzing and it's the scariest thing I deal with every single day.

But here's the good part:

I don't need to carry that around with me. I can slowly start to bury those negative words and opinions as I step forward into the unknown and exciting adventure called life. I'm proud of myself and what I have accomplished over the last few years. There have been ups and downs that no one could have anticipated, and I conquered them.

One by one, I conquered them.

There are still a few mountains that I have to climb and demons to fight, but as I look back and reflect on the journey so far, I'm filled with hope. Nightmares are replaced with dreams, and that suspenseful soundtrack replaced with a Disney medley. I know that there will still be some wrong turns and moments that require humility, but that's all a part of being human.

I couldn't have done any of this without the love from family and close friends. I know that I have used their strength when I had none of my own. They selflessly gave me strength and encouragement that guided me through the darkest of days, and without them I'm not sure where I would be.

There will always be people who will judge me on how I do things, what I like/don't like, my size, my hair, my clothes, my face, my voice, and so many other things. And though I can't stop people from thinking these things, I can certainly love who I am and ignore their judgement.

So the question is: When Will My Life Begin?

Today.