Have you ever just sat pissed off trying to blame someone else for your fuck up? Even when you attempt to be honest with yourself you still find your anger trying to direct the blame elsewhere. When I mess things up, I typically accept my part and move on, but this screw up has me all twisted trying to save my emotional sanity. I want to blame someone else and to talk about how they put me in the position that I am in now, but I cannot. All I can do is accept the responsibility and move on. Deal with my screw up and try to do better.
But doing better is easier said than done. I mean it sounds good, but the truth is I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do right but I can say messing up seems to be very easy. You don’t have to do too much to screw things up, just little things like missing an appointment or forgetting a birthday or an anniversary. You know, the small things that are important to other people. It’s like knowing you are going to fall into a pit. No matter how much you try not to fall, you end up pushing yourself closer to the edge. And the one person to blame you cannot get rid of them, because that person is you.
I know life is made up of good times and bad times and some things in between that are not a problem. However, on top of the world's bullshit, you decide, "Hey let me add to the pile. Let me make things hard for me." Like damn, what’s wrong with you (actually what’s wrong with me)? How do you stop being insane? How do you get out of the life rut that you find yourself buried in? What do you have to do differently just to succeed? What?
I feel like everything is against me. But when I really think about it, I feel like my own actions are against me. Like I’m trying to climb out of the hole with one hand and one leg, but my other arm and leg are pulling me in the opposite direction. I want to change. I want to change and be the wonderful person I am capable of being. That means doing a lot of things that I am not comfortable doing; in fact, it means doing a lot of things I am unwilling to this point to do. We are talking about hanging over the edge of a cliff without a rope, and it scares the hell out of me.
I don’t know where this is going to take me, but I’m still going to go all the way in (I hope). I’m going to try and do the things that have been put on my heart by God, by the universe, by me. I’m tired of the same old dilemmas in my life. If I am going to grow, I need to get dominion over what is controlling me. Maybe this is another rant or maybe it’s for real. I just know that this is emotionally exhausting, and I’m not interested in dying of a heart attack because I couldn’t change. It’s time for me to break the cycle. It’s time for me to grow the hell up. It’s time for me to grab anything that is not a positive influence and bury it.
I don’t know about you, but I want to lay on my death bed and have no regrets (or as little regrets as possible). I don’t want to be still trying to accomplish the same old things in my life. I want to be doing something new and I want to be successful to my heart's content. Like, “yeah I did that.”
What about you?