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What Having No Friends Taught Me About Myself

Why Being Alone Was Good for My Self Awareness

By Caroline PereiraPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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Photo by: Igor Cancarevic via Unsplash

I recently bumped into an old friend—a friend I hadn’t seen in years. The last time we saw each other, we were in high school. We were planning what we were going to wear to the next house party, crushing on cute boys, and going to first period together. Fast forward to today, I worked in the city and so did she. This was all I knew about this girl, this girl I was inseparable with 10 years ago.

We exchanged numbers, and made plans to meet each other on a weekend, and grab some lunch. I was so nervous and anxious, I had no idea what to expect. But why was I feeling this way? She was a friend I have some of the best memories with, someone I hit milestones of my life with. She was someone I did everything with her growing up—so why now was it so hard to meet her? Why did I have this constant knot in my stomach leading up to the day we were going to meet?

Let me start, I currently have no friends. Well, it’s not that I don’t have friends—I talk to people from work and whatever, but we have very superficial conversations. However it’s just hi and bye, how was your weekend... you know the usual. It’s not that I didn’t have friends prior, or that I was super introverted. In fact, I had a huge friends group, and was very extroverted. However, as my adult life began, and I got older, I slowly made less and less time for my friends. I had school and work, and my focus wasn’t on improving my social life. My focus was on self-improvement ,and arming myself with the skills needed to launch myself into a successful career. A successful career was the pinnacle for me. I also didn’t have any help; no parents with useful contacts, and no friends in jobs that could give me a reference, which is why I had to work so hard. I had to do it myself.

I was given a piece of advice when I turned 19, it was:

Kill yourself while you're young, so you don’t have to- when you're old.

The phrase wasn’t literal, but it opened my eyes to how my youth was an advantage to me. I had time on my side, and I could pick up new skills a lot easier than if I was trying to learn them at 30. This would give me an advantage when it came to applying to jobs. I knew that if I worked my ass off now, and missed out on these crazy parties and events... (which in all honesty were talked about for the whole week that followed after and quickly forgotten), I wouldn't regret it later on.

This mindset was a double-edged sword. It worked with, and, against me.

On one hand, I had all this time to work on my skills, and on the other; it was preventing me from seeing my friends, and developing my extroverted personality. Over time they started inviting me less and less, until they just stopped calling. It was so gradual that it barely phased me, I couldn’t even pinpoint when it all ended. However, it drew me to the conclusion of enjoying solitude.

Being extroverted didn't allow me to connect with my feelings, my likes/dislikes—it drew me away from myself. I found that I was constantly filling voids with people and experiences, numbing myself from problems I should be addressing. With all this time on my hands, with plenty of time to think I was able to really ask myself hard questions. I was able to do a lot of self-reflection, and I was also able to become familiar with what/who was working in my life, and what/who wasn't. It also allowed me to be selfish with my time, which yes, is selfish on my part. However, you only regret the time wasted, not time spent wisely.

The only time it really hit me that I needed friends was when I met my boyfriend. He had this massive group of friends, (massive to me who had none) they did SO many things together. They were always there for each other and they were always, always together. If you were hanging out with one, you’d always find the rest of the group somewhere nearby.

It made me realize what his friends were doing for him. They were like an "outlet" for him, an outlet for him to vent, or discuss topics that were of no interest to me, and to put it simply, just a break from hanging out with me all the time. Like a break and hang out with the “boys.”

In my instance, I had no one to vent to, but him. I also had no one to do "girl stuff" with. Now, the girl stuff didn't matter much to me, but when I stepped back to look at it. I was slowly bringing down my boyfriend, and putting a strain on our relationship. It's not like he didn't want to hear me vent, it's just that he always had to hear it. Whereas, if I had a friend to vent to I wouldn't be dumping all my issues onto him ALL the time. Which is why I owed the both of us some time with other people, but also for my mental and social well being.

Earlier I mentioned that I bumped into an old friend. Well, I agreed to meet her because of yes, my boyfriend (he was happy I was making an effort to see someone else besides him), but also for myself. Though, I found myself running into an endless abyss of questions and uncertainty. Uncertainty of what the outcome would be. I was questioning firstly, what we would talk about... Would the conversation feel forced? Unnatural? Would we even be able to get along, due to so much time passing? Would she find me extremely boring, and not want to see me again?

I think what worried me the most was the memories I have of her. The only way I can describe it—a good memory that’s better left as is. I feel like meeting her will tamper with the memories we made, and how I remember her. A lot of time has passed, and I know we’re both different people... I just want to remember her as the 16-year-old, not the 24-year-old.

This brought me to question other things about myself; Was this the reason I chose not to engage with new people and build relationships? Was this why my only friends were from high school/college? Did I hold on to nostalgia? These are questions I had to address myself, but due to this time of being alone, I was able to see these insecurities for what they were, and I was able to see that myself.

While I am unsure of the outcome of seeing an old friend, I am positive that this experience will be worth it. I am due for some much need social events with friends.

What I've learnt is, sometimes being alone is a blessing in disguise. I have learnt so much about myself in the years of being alone, that it was one of the best gifts I've given myself. The chance to truly understand my needs, my wants, and myself. I am not saying that you should be cutting out your social life, and friends circle. But take time to spend time alone, away from friends and people. Do things you like, and learn new skills. You do not know how much you can accomplish alone, by yourself, until you put yourself into that situation. You will discover how much you actually "need" from others, and believe me it's not much.
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About the Creator

Caroline Pereira

Welcome to my creative outlet.

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