What Are You Doing? (Pt. 5)

By now, I hope you have gathered a sense of why I have chosen to title this series "What Are You Doing?"

If you still have no clue, I will briefly explain.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

If someone were to ask me the question that is the title of this story, I would either have an abundance of nonsense to spew in response, or I would simply say "I have no idea what I'm doing," and both responses would be as accurate as I can possibly be right now.

You see, this summer has just been four long months of life sending me carefully crafted, beautifully handwritten notes, all depicting some variation of the message "eff you, Kelsey" on them. I appreciate the art form and attention to detail; I'm pretty sure each envelope has even been sealed with real saliva, but I'm getting ever-so-slightly exhausted from trying to clean up after the seemingly constant storm of gravity-defying kaka.

I don't know how bad I've made my life sound up to this point; I realize I've maintained a strong sense of ambiguity all the way through so far. I thought I was struggling to reveal the facts of my existence because I have been doing what I can to keep them a secret from everyone around me, but I think it might more accurately be that I’ve been vague and ambiguous about the whole thing because it is vague and ambiguous, even to myself.

Honestly, every single day that goes by since I decided to take matters into my own hands and create a brand-new situation for myself, I’ve considered backing out. It’s quite likely that I refuse to reveal any details because if I did back out, I would be creating more uncomfortable conversations where I’d have to explain myself again. Sadly, making decisions and later backing out of them is something I am so familiar with doing that I have become comfortable with the possibility of disappointing others and having them cut me out of their lives completely.

I wish I could change the way I am sometimes; I wish I always knew what was right, or at the very least, I wish I was comfortable with making selfish decisions for myself without having to explain my reasoning to others. It’s hard to express all of the reasons I desire doing something when I can’t use logical reasoning to provide an objective basis by which other people can relate; instead, I wind up feeling like I have to tell my whole life’s story to illustrate to them why I feel the way I feel in this particular context, and even then it never quite feels like I’ve done a sufficient job of expressing myself.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about the concept of change today, and I think I am ready to start talking, like really talking. It’s time for me move out of the realm of ambiguity and start laying down real, specific thoughts, feelings, and actions. I’m at the point now where I’m comfortable enough in making my decision (despite how ever-growingly anxious it makes me) that I think it might serve me well to openly express the facts underlying this previously vague narrative. I am now confident that I will succeed in combatting the negativity that will inevitably flood my eyes and ears following this great reveal.

After all, this is my life and I must do what’s best for me. At this point, I’ve been so distant from most people in my life, most of which haven’t even noticed that I’ve been isolating myself socially, and if they have, well, they don’t seem to care enough to check in and see what’s going on.

Frankly, they won’t be missed.