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My Dearest 2018,
I must confess something I have been holding within. I no longer love you or want to be with you. The time has come for us to break up. I am ready for 2019 and for the better things to come with that relationship. I know you are hurt, sad, lost, confused and wondering where did all this come from. Let us travel back to January when Chandler turned one. I will be honest I wasn’t ready for him to turn one and I wasn’t prepared for all that entailed with that new age.
I know children must grow and birthdays must come but it all came too fast. February, I got into a heated argument with Jacob and took scissors to my hair wanting to be anyone but me. That he would love this new person, not the person he had been with for so long. We put together Chandler's first toddler bed and my heart was heavy for that came major changes. During that process of getting the bed together, Jacob and I got into our first major altercation during our relationship. That was a moment for myself to realize that I took things too far and let my emotions get the best of me reacting to what was said. I have been told that it is how we handle the present moment that matters the most.
My sister and I were bonding, laughing and sharing stories. We had been so strained in our relationship that we missed out on that and more. Jacob, the baby and I came in to visit my parents and showed up unexpectedly and didn’t know my sister was there. She was thrilled to see her nephew her arms reaching out to hold him. I am forever grateful for the pictures and video recording that night because, on March 30th, she drew her last breath. Two small children motherless and our world forever changed. Jacob, my brothers and I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. Words coming out of my mouth of death was foreign, my heart is broken and my brain in a fog. We came to a threshold ready to enter the room and like cement holding me down, I couldn’t force myself to enter a room of decorated boxes meant to hold our loved one’s lifeless body that would soon meet the ground and forever be consumed.
My body shaking, tears uncontrollable, my brother held me as I wept for our sister. Time stood still as the world continued on and we had to move forward to make the hard decisions. I remember when the pastor I asked to be there said he couldn’t at the last moment because of my lack of understanding of death and our request of songs. Another pastor stepped in just an hour before service and he let me speak to everyone about my sister. I was unsure if I could hold it together or if I could even speak but I got to the podium and looked out at the entire room of people who loved my sister. Not far from where I stood ready to speak laid my sister and I took a deep breath and found the words. I shared memories from many who had special memories with her, I shared what kind of person she was. I shared my dream that God gave me many years ago of where I was at a moment of being so alone and weeping that God came to me and gave me an understanding. I fell to my knees feeling his embrace and his arms wrapped around me saying that he was always there, and I was never alone. I knew I had to be strong to keep us together like before. I thought I could be there when the casket closed but as they were preparing for that moment, I ran out sobbing.
The dirt was in piles and this massive hole in the ground stared at me knowing this was it. Words were spoken, tears and hugs as the men got to each side lowering her in. Something came over me and I began to sing to her, “Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound, that saved the wretch like me, I once was lost, but now I am found, and my voice cracking and tears streaming t'was blind, but now I see.”
I became so numb, my head empty and my heart didn’t feel like it was beating anymore. I knew the pain was real, but I never understood how devastating it would be to lose a sister and have these precious babies without a mom. Time didn’t slow down and her 25th birthday came in June and we sent her balloons and ate her favorite cake.
My boyfriend, son, and I moved eight hours away from family in hopes of a new start and some healing. 2018, our relationship wasn’t all that bad because of my son and his happiness. We shared great memories like bath time fun water everywhere, trying Oreos for the first time, loving mashed potatoes, putting a slide into the swimming pool and sliding down with his fourth of July outfit on. We grilled out, shared stories, got excited over the ice cream truck, playing horseshoes, not catching any fish, shiny red face from playing so hard outside in the hot sun. We found a love for the park and Chandler laid on my chest as I stretched out on this netted tire swing swaying back in forth in the breeze with good shade from the trees as he drifted off to sleep. Everything just melts away when you find calm and peace. The world seems to be right when the noise stops, and you can hear your sons heart beating laying on top of you.
The weather didn’t change much but the leaves changed colors and guided our pathways. We baked cupcakes and made monster candy hands and witches brooms. Silly faced cupcakes and love for sprinkles while we danced and listened to music with our friends. I got back into college and Chandler loved interrupting mommy stealing kisses and drawing over my homework with his artwork. I began yoga to calm the chaos in my life and find some healing from all the pain. During poses, my son would turn and twist his head to meet mine and I would just turn into laughing spaghetti falling to the floor laughing with him. He would climb my back, so mommy could take him through the house as he shrieked in excitement and joy.
2018, I found so much sadness and found so much happiness in the small moments. I had lost my faith and sunk to the bottom grasping to hold onto anything. I found moments of healing and a love for writing which became my therapy through it all. I became more aware of the love and support I had from friends whom I will always treasure and helped guide me through the darkness and find my faith again.
December became the turning point for our relationship 2018 and this is where I can help you understand where it all had to come to an end. My relationship with Jacob had been ongoing for many years and I pretty much grew up with him. Our relationship became very sour and like a dish that is broken no matter how hard we tried the dish wouldn't go back to what it originally was. I reached my limit with you 2018, I felt that I had more sadness, pain, and suffering than I have ever had before and a person could only take so much. My relationship with Jacob ended and I am without my son because of how I chose to handle that situation and couldn’t find any better solution at that time. I have cried myself to sleep many nights wanting to hold my son and wanting my sister to be here. I have cried so much for all the times I couldn’t make things better with many different situations. I feel that I am ready to wipe my tears and hold my head up. I feel stronger and empowered to move forward to a better life and better decisions not only for me but for my son. 2018, you have taught me so much; that time doesn’t wait, instead of wanting more time with our loved ones lost, we shouldn’t delay their leaving but make their last day the best last day, that little moments are the true jewels of the crown, that there aren’t enough smiles and laughs to fill a day, that no matter how many times you get knocked down you always get back up and fight harder.
So, you see, 2018, I must end you to make room for 2019, because the best of me will come. I will be better prepared to: laugh more, fight and argue less, love more, cherish people, capture more moments, take more pictures, sulk in the moment, let calmness overwhelm you, silence the noise to hear the heartbeat more, laugh until my stomach hurts, watch all the new things my son will do, do everything possible to create an enormous amount of happiness for my son, cry less, be cautious in my words, accomplish goals made and worry less. I have lost friendships along the way and I am learning more about me and life if there is ever one thing that needs to be said it is this; make it all count and mean something.
Farewell, 2018, you will always be remembered as the year that redefined me.