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Today I Was Happy

The Pursuit of Being Content Every Day

By Holly HodsonPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Today I was happy. Truly happy and content.

Even the horrible anxious thoughts that tried to penetrate my tired brain, I just brushed them away like they hadn't been burdening me all my life, and I genuinely thought I need to scream this to the world that I am happy today. Because I genuinely thought it's about damn time.

So, the reason for me writing this article, all cocky and sure of myself, is for you if you are a person like me who has struggled with severe anxiety in every aspect of your life, along with other troubles that life throws at you. You just wish that it would all just give you a break, but of course the scary thing that we all realise is the world keeps on turning, not caring if you're having a breakdown every day.

As a strong independent woman, I hate to admit that the reason for my happiness is because of a man. I know, I disgust myself... but the thing is it isn't just that. I've struggled with image issues from the minute I walked through the green gates of Hatfield High School and learned that boys can't be your friends and tall, broad, talented girls, who prefer wearing tacky bottoms and playing basketball aren't attractive or beautiful. I am here today, thankful for some of the struggles I had during high school, because I made some of the best friends and it made me check myself.

It also left this, once brave and outspoken, little girl into a self-doubting, shy, worrying, and self-loathing teenager that carried on well after graduating university. Of course the patriarchal society didn't help and other issues from my home life affected me as well, but it got me to a point last year, crying my eyes out twice to my mum and auntie about how shit my life was, how shit I was at life, and how ugly I was. I never got as far as thinking about suicide, but I questioned why I was on this Earth.

Admittedly, after today, now I have a boyfriend whom I love. I will start to fret about my career and probably my image issues because the journey to self-love and respect is a journey and likely a life-long task. I will say, despite all of this, I've always stuck to my guns. Even after second guessing myself all the time and always wanting to ask others what they think I should do. And I am proud of that. Take my boyfriend. He isn't perfect and we are very new in our relationship. But I always wanted a person who respected me for the independent woman I am, but gave me the emotional support I need from time to time. I didn't wanted to be treated like a little woman who couldn't fend for herself. I am what I am. Even if I struggle with that every day. I wanted a person who didn't festishise my body, who wanted me, but didn't want me to be with him 24/7 via in person or over the phone. After the shittiest week for me and for him, we went away together for the first time, for a few days and we didn't argue once. We sniped at each other and I got exasperated A LOT and we acted like we always do: Like mates who find each other sexy.

So, on Monday morning when we were back at work, I spent the day smiling and being content. I spent the evening reinventing my mindset and my life goals. I spent the night hopeful for the future. And people, this is why I decided to write this. Life is hard and life is harder when you have mental health problems. But my advice to you, and to myself, is to take it a day at a time. Find something that makes you happy, so at least if you have a job that makes you miserable, you can see it as something that funds the things that make you happy. If that's enough, find or work towards a job that keeps you content. Learn to be happy with and by yourself so you don't date or marry a person that is so wrong for you, just because you are lonely or that's what society is telling you to do.

This is not me saying that any of those steps are easy, or it'll cure your health problems straight away, but one step is a start.

There is more to my story than this, but sometimes, you just want to forget the hard times and enjoy the moment.

Photo by Fabio Spinelli on Unsplash

happiness
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About the Creator

Holly Hodson

Yorkshire lass. Mediocre human.

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