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Dealing with a broken family, past mistakes, and loss can severely take a toll on people who barely seem to catch a break. When you have so many issues present all at once, you naturally tend to look for happiness in places to fill the void or help distract you, and that's what I did. I believe fate led me to him, but it surely wasn't fate to end up there. I found my short-lived happiness in another person, and that's absolutely wrong to do! His smile alone was enough to take away a week's worth of pain that I constantly felt. How can that be possible? How can one person numb a giant list of your problems and pain? I found him when I was in a dark place, and I was still there when he left me. Always remember true love moves your spirit out of that dark place; you guys grow, learn, and care for each other together. TRUE LOVE NOURISHES YOU ALWAYS!
Now if you ever get the chance to get to know me, you'd know I care deeply about being fair and right to other people. I get my own feelings hurt when I see people trying to bring others down. I'm as genuine as it gets; if you left me in a monitored room you'd catch me doing the right thing 99 percent of the time. Don't take my confidence the wrong way though—I am still human. The point is that I honestly and wholeheartedly try. I'm honest with myself and always put all my effort into whatever my focus is on—why do something half-ass?
My biggest problem is what my focus and energy was going to. I had so much extra noise going on around me I forgot what was truly important. Instead of trying to better myself, I put all my time, energy, and love into a person whom I thought would "save me" from the battles I had to fight rather than learning to help save myself. I gave him all of me; I held him down in some of his toughest times, and what I failed to see manifest over the years was that he wasn't willing to do the same for me. Yes, we are young and had many lessons to learn, but I really thought he was my one.
It started out great, but when you have a life to live and things constantly bombard your life, you tend to change with situations you grow through. Sadly, we outgrew each other. He started to lie and treat me differently. I could tell his focus started to move from me and onto other girls. I ignored those signs because I wanted him to stay and keep me "happy" or in other words, distracted. I could spend twenty-one years telling you about all the trials and tribulations I went through, but that thought alone, him focusing on other females, has to be one of the hardest things I had to come to terms with. Reading that aloud sounds so silly because I truly have been though unspeakable things, but I really loved and adored him to the core—maybe now that I see how it played out and how angry I am it never was love, but my feelings toward this situation are still intense. I already struggled enough with self-love, obviously, so to have him leave me to explore other people left me f*cking broken. I questioned everything about myself and honestly still do. It's been six months now, and I'm just starting to feel myself break though this struggle. That's why I wanted to write this blog. I've never done this before, but I know other people struggle with the same feelings! Please know you're not alone, and that you are a very special and loved individual.
"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
― Marilyn Monroe
For the next five minutes put all your negativity aside and hear me out.
We live on a rocky, blue world that spins around a fairly small star (compared to other stars out in the universe). We are so very tiny in this vast universe, yet you are here. I am here.
There has been millions and billions of life born in the past and there will continue to be millions and billions born each and every day until this natural world ends. Out of those odds there was a specific place and purpose saved just for you! There is NO other human or living being in this whole universe that has DNA arranged the exact way you or I do; no one smiles like you, has the wonderful personality you possess or even thinks the way you do. It's so cliché to hear, but you're a one of a kind! Strictly unique! How special is that when you truly think there is one and WILL ALWAYS be just one you? That thought alone helped me reach a place where I was able to say,
"OK, he may have left me because she has "prettier" teeth, but SHE IS NOT ME!"
He fell "in-love" with me, and if he goes searching for what I have in other females HE WILL FAIL EVERY TIME. After that clicked in my head, I started to invest into my health and well-being and started to let him go. I truly started to see it was his loss.
First and foremost I stopped comparing myself to other people. The rise of social media has caused a major increase in teen suicide and depression. I came to the realization that the internet is the easiest manipulated thing we have access to; people can create a profile or highlight specific things that they want you to know. You could know someone online without knowing the true them! You cannot believe everything you read or see online; things are never as picture perfect as they seem! Have you ever met someone who has a picture perfect profile online but in person they just don't look or act the way you perceived them? That's because it's easy to throw a filter on a picture and eliminate imperfections, but it's not so easy to be your true natural self. There's good and bad to EVERYONE, and most people only choose to show social media the good. After I got enough practice of not comparing myself to others, I started investing into things I knew I could change. For example, my body. I started going to the gym almost every day, and not only did it help boost my confidence but it served as a distraction as well! I started eating healthier, surrounding myself around positive people, and doing activities that I overall enjoyed. I started painting, reading, and now writing. I starting turning in new job applications and searching for a school that I can someday transfer to. I put more time into seeing my loved ones that truly mattered at the end of the day, and I started thinking happy and positive thoughts. I started to love myself and it's been my biggest accomplishment yet.
It's amazing when you let go of something toxic and battle through the pain that you start learn more about yourself and start to feel stronger than ever. I hope this blog touched at least one person, and inspired at least one to make small positive changes for an overall happier life! NEVER question your worth because you're beautiful and destined for success—you just have to believe and accept that you are worthy.
Thanks for reading :)