The Never-Ending Story

My first blog entry on a new platform. Whoa. Cool. Okay.

I’d like to let that sink in for a bit.

…It’s a quiet, sort-of big moment for me. It’s not like I’ve never blogged before; I've done my time in the blog multi-verse. I just never found my footing. I expected too much from my previous blogs; expecting one blog to become an expert in being an expat and the other, an expert in life advice for 20-somethings. Both blogs still exist somewhere on the internet— long-forgotten ghosts. I gave up on them because it became overwhelming to be an "expert"and I lost the fun.

But I did like sharing my voice and my own unique and imperfect style. It was nice.

So, I’m Back

At first it was difficult for me to let go of the expectations. Even the announcement of my new website and new Instagram account, project redefine, was an expectation. I expected myself to document my journey and to help people along the way. While that’s a beautiful end goal, having it as an expectation can come with a lot of responsibility. It’s the feeling of responsibility that I want to shed and I prefer to actively have fun with it instead.

These feelings of responsibility and expectation come with a lot of baggage for me. On paper they have their virtues. Of course I want to learn to embrace the positive attributes associated with these words, but in reality the relationship I’ve cultivated with them has been tumultuous at best; riddled with waves of panic attacks, looping anxiety, and on the single occasion, a burn-out.

That’s how it’s always been. It’s been a never-ending story of set-up, expectation, experiencing the weight of the responsibility of the expectation, and then climaxing to a gut-churning feeling of defeat.

I’ve often been professionally and personally heartbroken when the journey didn’t take me to the next expected level or I felt too responsible for the outcome.

To be frank, I’m a bit done with that story. I don’t want it anymore.

Recently I’ve had to relive this never-ending story and I'm tired of it. I want to actively try to understand these repeating patterns that lead to mental defeat. Because when they keep repeating, I end up being burned out or become an anxious floor blob who's too overwhelmed to do anything else outside of lying on the floor.

I write this post with the simple desire to begin retelling a new story, one that comes from a place of observation and understanding.

It’s also why I decided to completely re-do my website and come out with something that is entirely unfinished (www.laurendmaxwell.com). I want to work on it when it gives me energy and not think of it as something I have to do, but something I want to do.

Human Being Versus Human Doing

I’ve become a human doing, an antithesis to a human being because I’ve spent much of my adult-life doing things I feel I have to do, not what I want to do. And I’ve been too scared to take risks because my mind worries that my endeavors will amount to nothing. And then what? Will I still be Lauren?

The answer is yes. What makes me Lauren aren’t my accomplishments. It’s my journey and my self-discoveries.

This blog is a tribute to the journey. A tribute to redefining how I want to live and how I want to see the world. In progress.

It is enough. I am enough.