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I'm not going to lie.
This has been one of the hardest, mentally and emotionally challenging years of my life... this was the year I fell into depression. A sticky, black mass of weight I feel is haunting my everyday existence and seems never-ending. The weight is suffocating at times.
I've pulled away from updating a lot of my social outlets because this disease is mentally debilitating and infects every aspect of the way you go through your day and dictates how you live your life. You feel like a burden, a bum out to be around and are unable to translate your thoughts or emotions properly because you aren't sure how... or what the issues are... or why... and definitely don't want to be the downer to anyone... so for me, for many months I suffered in silence. You feel like nothing you are or do is important so why bother. My behaviors started to change and things that would usually be a pleasure ended up being a pain. I have isolated myself from my friends and family, pulled back from most social outings, laid in bed for hours thinking horrible thoughts, stared into many sleepless nights and pushed everyone around me away as I allowed the hold of depression to encompass me. This is what this dirty devil of a disease wants, and I have succumbed to it.
This. Has. Been. My. Entire. Year.
I've made some terrible decisions and feel like my life is this stagnant waif of an existence that holds no progress or value. I'm trapped in a place I don't want to be waiting for things to change without the ability to have the coherent foresight that; I am the change. It's a struggle every day to convince myself I deserve the ground I stand on and the people around me who I'm pushing away are trying to help me remember this.
If you've ever felt this way, you are not alone. It feels like it but there are many feeling the same.
It's hard to pull any positives out from this black hole, but I have to. I owe it to myself to have a look back on all the beautiful things 2017 had amongst the ugliness I mentally surrounded myself with.
Bullet Height released our debut album No Atonement, completed our first tour in the UK, released two singles, volts of visual content, were featured in lots of international press and print magazines, and are HEAPS farther along in developing. What a beautiful year for us. We hope to have triple the amount of activity in the new year—this feeling keeps me going when the days seem dark and never-ending.
I was able to travel to four countries with my older sister who came to visit me for the first time since I have moved overseas to Berlin for our birthdays... I couldn't be more thankful for this experience with one of my best mates.
I'm currently on an extended stay in the sun in my hometown of Los Angeles for a few months to help prep for the exciting, crazy year that is to come with IAMX and the thought of touring and being on stage again with all of you around the world is what has kept me going through the darkness all year. The light at the end of the tunnel.
This isn't a post to generate sympathy from anybody... this is a post about trying to break through to the other side of this terrible fight I have within myself... part of the battle is being open, honest and talking about it. Many people, some who may be reading this, may be suffering themselves in one of the many stages of depression and this post is also for you... you don't realize the effect you have on those around you when you're trying to convince yourself everything is fine and push it to the back of your mind; when it isn't. It's a toxic cycle.
I see so many reflections of 2017 that were filled with amazing times for everyone as this year comes to a close around the world tonight, many new beginnings promised and many new memories to be made. It's just another day in the life of depression, it's not going away at the stroke of midnight... but what I can do is muster the strength to promise to myself, and also to you, to be better to myself.
To be honest with myself.
To allow myself to understand feeling weak and vulnerable in these moments is okay.
To remember it's not weak or demeaning to not be okay.
To try my best to not be so hard and down on myself.
To get my life affairs in a better order and relocate to a better place where I can exercise all these things.
To allow myself to feel happiness and to not deny the sadness.
To remember what I have built for myself is amazing and can only be shaped and changed by my own initiative and effort.
To remember all these things when the dark days come and also through when they clear.
I promise that not just for the 2018 new year, but right now. Today. Everyday. From here on.
Please feel free to share your thoughts, emotions, stories... tell me what you wish to do for YOU in 2018.
Be true to you. Others like you are struggling, you're not alone if you feel like me.
Have a safe, happy and eventful New Year's event, my loyal followers.
Thank you for listening.