The Blindness of Self-Doubt

Student

It’s around about that murky time after University. The bars are still open and the jaeger is still cheap but the atmosphere has changed. You still call yourself a graduate, it’s a title you hold on to tightly. However, no one seems to be answering your C.V. You watch as it ricochets back and forth through cyberspace to different graduate scheme websites. It’s in this time that you lose that certain sense of purpose. You’re sleepwalking while friends are flying. The regimented sense of certainty is lost as soon as you stumble up that stage and your clammy hands clutch that certificate. With a deep breath you realise that now you have a choice.

You try your hand at the job you’ve dreamed of since you were an acne riddled teenager. After some thought and persuasion from others you become afraid of the pressure, afraid of the new responsibilities so you promise yourself that you’ll wait. You have plenty of time still. To try and save some money and aim for the nine to five. Those golden hours that everyone seems to wish for just so they can count the days down to the weekend. So with this in mind you drift from job to job each not what you thought they were, each complete with their own stresses and worries. With this in mind you begin to doubt yourself, small mistakes haunt your waking life and follow you home. The night times aren’t that much better and are spent staring at that crack on the ceiling, your hands fumbling for your IPhone to see anyone’s online or to see if the time has changed. Kicking yourself the next morning relying on coffee and dry shampoo to make you even resemble looking like a human. After all of this at the end of the month you scrape together the coins from your minimum wage, stowing them in a plastic tin like a little girl. The words “look where those degrees have gotten you” seem to follow you everywhere you turn. Now you regret the last four years. Not for the experience or the friends you’ve made but the money and time that has been leaked away on to your education.

A woman’s youth is a ticking time bomb. The idea that you’ve wasted the last four years following a dream that wasn’t meant for you is an unfathomable terror. You begin doubting your most basic abilities and find yourself in tears at lunch and having panic attacks in the toilets. Your appetite dwindles and you skip meals because the lump in your throat won’t let any food past. This self-doubt is exhausting and your vibrant social life diminishes before your eyes and slowly becomes you drinking brandy alone in the dark watching Mad Men. You don’t even like brandy that much but there’s no vodka left in the drinks cabinet and you really can’t stand whiskey. Maybe if the brandy’s gone you’ll try it tomorrow night though. Taking a look at yourself. It’s clear to see that your self-doubt has left you a shaking wreck. Every night you sit clutching a glass of something strong and sleeping to pass the time. Tears slide down your cheeks when you remember the excited girl in her cap and gown, posing for pictures and ready to take on the world. Nothing fazed her. The life of the party, the last one standing. It shouldn’t have been like this. Your self-doubt has robbed you of your dreams and made you blind to reality until it’s too late. Maybe it’s not too late. Open your eyes to the world around you. There’s always time for change.