The Battle

Another word for battle is conflict. I really don't like it and I have been doing my best to avoid it as much as possible. Depending on how well or how long you've known me, you may question that opening statement. I say that because of my feisty personality. But the reason I was so feisty is because I was small and if I didn't stand up for myself, I would get overlooked or pushed over. I may not like conflict but I didn't run from it either.

Being an only child (from my mom), I was always happy when I got to hangout and play with other children, so I wanted to get along with everyone. As I grew up I learned that wasn't going to happen, and wasn't suppose to happen for a thousand different reasons. Despite the fact that I had to stand my ground all the time, I was a pretty happy kid because I got along with most.

Years go by, I grow up, experience things, make decisions, etc... and the conflict I was desperately avoiding had developed into a battle. Which brings us to the day the battle revealed itself and defined a journey of self-discovery that I had realized I had been on for years.

For the first time, I was nervous to drive home. Why was I nervous, because I was under the influence more than I had ever been while away from home. I still needed to drive home and I couldn't figure out for the life of me how I was going to do that feeling the way that I did. Since this thought process was going on, I was quiet. Quiet for me was different, because regardless to how I was feeling I would usually be talking up a storm... especially while I was high.

Before you start judging me, let me finish the story so you can get the actual message and how this day changed everything. While I was sitting there trying to process how I was feeling physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, the BATTLE began. I heard a voice that was different than the one that had been distracting me and causing me not to talk. Although the voice was different, it sounded vaguely familiar. The voice was full of questions, but not the type of questions that require an answer but the type that causes more questions. Questions like:

• "Stephanie, what are you doing?"
• "What were you thinking?"
• "Do you realize how irresponsible you are being right now?"
• "I don't know who you are anymore...who are you?"
• "What is your problem?"

Later, I learned, or should I say this book confirmed it...it's hard to say what came first — the chicken or the egg — the information or the revelation. But this book gave this voice a name and it's name was "the judge." The book is called The Four Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book is a must read especially if you are dealing with a personal battle. The judge was just going on and on with the judgments, condemnation, doubts, and abuse. Until the part of me that was being chastised finally broke her silence but not like you think. I didn't suddenly become sociable and engage in conversation with the people I was with, I broke my silence and spoke to the judge.

The part of me that was getting bombarded with judgmental questions, has been identified in the same book, The Four Agreements. With the coalition the title of the judge has to court, you may think the other character's name would be the defendant, which would be fitting, since I felt like I was on trial. But it was even worse than being the accused, I was the helpless one that went by the name "the victim." At that moment, that is exactly how I felt... like a victim. A victim of bad decisions, my circumstances, of abuse, of procrastination, of others' plans for me, of others' opinions of me, but at this particular moment I was a victim of the opinion I had of myself.

Shut the f**** up, said the victim to the judge.

Those simple words gave me the power that I needed to back the judge up and began to understand what exactly was taking place. I don't even think I had thought it completely through, I just knew something wasn't right and I had to fight back. I was tired of feeling like a victim and I was tired of being the one who caused the feeling. It was clear, I was in a BATTLE with myself. This battle was breeding fear and doubt.

This is the day I acknowledged it, but the battle had been going on for years. At that point the victim was the one with a thousand questions but not to point out any of my wrongs, but to try to make it right.

I immediately started thinking about the many occasion where this battle had hurt me or at the least... slowed me down. It definitely caused me to slow down my growth, motivated some of my decisions that caused undesirable results, or contradicted how I saw myself. The victim, if I can still call her that at this point, because she wasn't acting like one, was acting like someone desperate for some answers and had no intention of backing down until she got them.

The opening speech that lead to the next phase was as follows;

Look, you're not the boss, and you're not the boss, your aren't the boss and you definitely are not the boss...none of us are....

The more she talked the more the situation became more visible and clear. She went from talking to the judge to calling out and pointing out other characters that were there. The go-getter, the procrastinator, the lover, the fighter, the dreamer, the child, and many more that couldn't be identified by a title, or identified at all. Every aspect of me was there and that's when the epiphany hit me to call them all together and get some stuff straight for once and for all. I was having the first meeting of the minds and I called it the "Board Meeting."

The Board Meeting

The board meeting didn't solve all my problems or have the play by play details on what to do — but it did lay the framework that would guide my journey. It was the place where I made life-changing decisions which caused me to go even deeper within myself to learn who all these characters were and how collectively they made me who I was. It gave me a new meaning to my life in figuring out how I can take who I am, and get what I want, regardless what talents I had or faults I possessed.

In this meeting, the decision was made to love everything about myself and work together instead of against each other. I needed to discover who I was and accept to end the battle and open myself up to the possibilities.

It was in the meeting that my mission became clear. It was in this meeting that I decided, by any means necessary, I would trust myself and use what I had to the fullest. It was in that meeting I decided to protect myself, I would protect my dream. That dream was me!

Protect Your King...Protect Your Dream

First on the agenda, identify the problem. Which will be explained in the story titled, none other than — "The Problem."