Sometimes we try so hard to avoid certain situations, that we end up in the exact position we've been trying to avoid.
Ironic isn't it?
I find that whenever my intuition warns me against someone, I become obsessed over the very person it's trying to warn me about.
Have you ever felt the same?
Now you might call me crazy, but whenever I see that someone is unable to be fully loving or supportive for those they care about, I see this as a huge sign that they are the ones in need of love, patience and understanding.
If they are struggling to do these very simple things, then it is clear to me that they are suffering far more than they let on.
How could I ever bring myself to turn my back on them?
If you are anything like me and you have a passion for helping others; letting them go or leaving them behind can be incredibly difficult.
Even in the times when you know it's for the best.
Countless times I have found myself heartbroken over the people who I never should have tried to mend in the first place.
People who were broken raw with jagged edges. People who needed handling with loving care.
Something that I thought that I would be able to give them.
But you cannot drag someone who is not willing to move forwards.
Don't allow yourself to stay stagnant.
You deserve more than that.
So how do you know when the time has come to move on? When exactly is the 'right time' to walk away?
One of the most important things you should do before allowing anyone into your personal space is identifying whether or not they genuinely care about you.
Occasionally, you'll be lucky enough to find someone who has your best interests at heart and won't stop at nothing to get these met.
But unfortunately, you will also come across people who will latch onto you for all of the wrong reasons.
And as much as you may want to help someone who is struggling, you should always keep an eye out for any of these warning signs.
They won't take no for an answer.
If someone cannot respect the word 'No', then you seriously need to question their motives. If they expect you to constantly do what's best for them, with little to no regard for your own personal needs or boundaries, then I doubt that they have your best interests at heart. 'No.' is a sentence in itself. You do not have to justify or change this for ANYONE. There is always a healthy level of compromise in a relationship, but you should never have to sacrifice anything that you're not comfortable with. Especially for someone who truly cares about you.
They flip and place the blame on you instead of just taking responsibility for their own actions.
Toxic people will often try to manipulate you with feelings of guilt. If someone is constantly defending their actions by bringing up your mistakes, then they probably have some deep rooted issues that they aren't aware of/are projecting onto you. Do not let someone make you feel guilty about something you shouldn't. If they never take responsibility for their own actions, then they are clearly not ready to be in a relationship. At all. Do not allow them to make you bear the weight of something that they decided to do.
They ridicule/belittle you for feeling a certain way.
If someone is using you they will become extremely offended when you raise any issues or concerns regarding their behaviour and it's effect on you. They will make you feel either stupid or guilty for even thinking that their motives are anything other than in your best interest. But anyone who belittles or disregards your emotions or perspective, clearly doesn't care about you as much as they say they do. Your emotions are completely valid and should never be treated as anything less. Especially by someone who is supposed to care about you.
One of my favourite quotes is...
"Sometimes toxic people aren't always bad people. They can mean well. They can love you with all of their heart, but anyone who has a negative influence on your life really doesn't belong there."
It is so important to remember this.
If someone is doing any of the things mentioned above, then the time has probably come to let them go. You should never have to sacrifice your own well being for the sake of someone else. Anyone who is truly meant for you would never put you in this position in the first place.
So how can you move forwards? How can you let go?
Put yourself first.
Putting yourself first isn't always going to be sunshine and rainbows.
Yes, there is an element of well being in treating yourself, doing fancy facemasks or going out and eating good food, but sometimes putting yourself first can be a painful and challenging process. One that you cannot avoid. At least not for long anyway.
You can only move forwards if you are willing to address to yourself exactly where you are right now. You might not even know where that is.
So use this moment to take one slow and mindful breath inwards.
Notice how the air rushes into your chest, expanding outwards until it can't go any further. Now slowly let it all out and begin to focus on the middle of your chest. What do you feel?
Take another breath if you need to.
Do this for however long it takes to fully place how you feel.
Sometimes tuning into ourselves can be overwhelming. Especially if we have been avoiding it.
Surprisingly, we can find an array of emotions there that we didn't even realise we had been carrying with us.
The list goes on...
Facing any or all of these at once is never going to be an easy process. Nobody said it was.
In my most recent heartbreak every single one of these emotions came flooding to the surface. Emotions that I didn't even realise I had been carrying with me until they all came pouring out of me as I lay crying alone on my bedroom floor.
Allowing these feelings to come to the surface meant that I was finally able to let them go.
Only by allowing them to be felt did they begin to release their hold on me. A hold on me that I didn't even realise they had.
A hold that hadn't allowed me to move forwards.
A hold that forced me to stay in a situation I didn't even want to be in.
Allow yourself to cry if you need to.
Allow yourself to grieve.
Allow yourself to fall apart for just a moment. Or maybe two.
Allow whatever is to just be.
When you stop putting pressure on yourself to be anything else other than what you already are, you will have taken a very important step forward.
The most important piece of advice I have for you is 'Don't pick at the same scab that you want to heal.'
Leave it be. Don't go digging around in what is giving you pain. It will only scar you more in the end.
You don't have to judge yourself for not having it all figured out yet. Nobody does. No matter how convincing they might be.
Accept where you are.
Because that is exactly where you are meant to be.
Only by doing this can you truly begin to let go of everything you think you should be.