Stuck

The morning starts and I look at my calendar; nothing. Always nothing. No alarms, no anything. I have no money, nothing to do. I fill the day with watching TV/playing video games as per usual, surprised that debt collectors haven't busted down the door to repossess anything, but this time nothing; I feel no joy from it, just passing the time. Have you ever had that feeling, just utter and pure absence of emotion? We're all on this floating rock and without paper, we have no freedom; we're all just stuck.

The afternoon comes and I realize that I have an appointment tomorrow to get prescription pills. Although, I knew then that those same pills, I would just end up taking the whole bottle. With pills, if you don't take enough you just end up puking and in agony and a failed [suicide] attempt. Also, if you take too much you will expel everything. That's the catch twenty-two with pills, too little you fail, too much you either finish the job or fail painfully and you won't be able to drink away your loneliness for at least a week while your stomach lining and liver heal. Not that I would know from experience.

Nightfall arrives, and the texts I sent go unanswered; I texted/called about five-eight of my "closest" friends for help. Nowadays it seems like people don't have close/meaningful connections, but that may just be in smaller towns vs. larger towns where you can match with like fifty people on Tinder within fifteen minutes. I lose all hope and I get in my car and start driving southbound on the 405. I keep passing freeway signs, one after the other, until I find myself passing one more sign than usual for my old job, and making a left. It's funny, once I've driven somewhere it's like I can recall the route. During the whole drive, music blasting, I attempt to call my closest relatives/friends to no avail. I figured it was a sign. So I keep driving.

I get to the bridge and get out of the car I go to the railing and look down. My mind is reeling, 'What happens if I jump?' I think of all the responses people would give, "The world doesn't stop just because you die." "You have so much to live for." Things like that, things that should comfort but don't. In the span of three months, everything went to great/decent to absolute hell in a basket. I'm sick of having to be self-conscious about my voice, the way I walk, and just in general self-conscious of everything I do. It's draining and on top of that, I don't have any close relationships to people, one after the other they leave/we drift apart. Every time someone leaves in my life it just reminds me of my family issues, and I feel abandoned all over again. So what's the point? What's the point in having meaningful relationships with anyone when your own father/flesh and blood when you need them aren't there?

Nothing. Nothing matters anymore at that point. Because; you are disposable. You are disposable. You feel disposable, much like a razor and shaving cream that you get from a hotel. So I stare deep into the river. Then all of a sudden, I thought, "If I jump, I'll miss my appointment and that'll inconvenience everyone in the office." It's sad but true. Having that one appointment saved me from jumping. They say that most jumpers realize that their life could have easily been fixed; their issues weren't permanent.

I used to think that that was true, but now I'm not sure. I receive a phone call the next day from one of the friends that I called. She tells me why we aren't friends anymore; because of my "narcissism", she should be best friends with my mom. So I've learned; I've adapted. Trust no one. Rely on no one. Because when everything is said and done, no one is going to save you. A superhero isn't going to come and comfort/save you. You will have no one but yourself. When you die, it is cold and alone; when you're vomiting the excess pills, you're alone and scared.

People pretend to know you. But they don't. No one really bothers to know anyone. Because no one truly cares what your favorite color is or what your favorite food is; minuscule, little things like that matter. So you learn to not care. About anything or anyone save for select few. And that's the secret, isn't it? Learning how to shut off every ounce of emotion you have. Slowly until you feel nothing at all. Just emptiness and feeling stuck, trapped, and alone.

I've tried channeling my emotions into stories, dancing, screen-writes that I can't even submit to proper sources, and the foundations for a production studio. "Find something ritualistic." Nothing works anymore. It's like I'm constantly falling. Maybe I did jump and my spirit is confused. Only time will tell. Every passing day is hell; the same day over and over again with little changes. My life feels like hell. On the bright side, my cell phone service is shut off so I don't have debt collectors calling me every day.

One thing that I've learned is that people only want to hang out with you if you have something to offer; if they see an advantage because humans are greedy inherently. Sadly, with no real friends and no resources I remain stuck; lost. Those same interactions and hangouts are what helps inspire ideas; going out doing things. So you just live through your dreams. You crave the day that you just fall asleep and never wake up; so you can constantly be in your dream world because it's the only way to escape the shitty reality that everything you are, and everything you were has grinded to a halt.

As Albert Einstein once said; "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result." So why do I bother? Because simply put, I have nothing better to do. That's what the most torturous part of this all is; I have nothing better to do, just relive the same day over and over again with little changes and no one to call in for back-up or comfort that isn't a million miles away.