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Stuck

Have you ever felt like you're never "enough?"

By J HPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I’ve felt stuck for a long time. Caught in the middle of a sociocultural tug-of-war. On one side there is “good,” it being conservative, righteous, obedient, godly. On the other side: rebel, liberal, “inactive,” unrighteous, “bad.” I have never been able to fit either mold completely and so I’ve felt completely and utterly isolated.

I’ve always felt this overwhelming need to fit in. Every group I’ve been surrounded by my entire life I’ve wanted to please more than almost anything. It’s kept me up at night. It’s caused serious, almost debilitating anxiety at times. The need to be seen in a positive light, for who I am. The desire to be liked, loved. So much so that for a period in college I lost my identity. I became an actor, adopting the characteristics and habits of those around me. It only made me more lonely.

It’s funny. No matter what extreme I chose, I never seemed to be “enough” for either side. I could never be “bad,” enough for the “cool kids.” I had my partying days. A few were even fun. I had limits though. And that pissed people off. Like one semi-relationship that ended before it started because choosing not to have sex made me friend-material only, and only that if I was lucky. I will say I didn’t party well. I have too much going on in my mind. I’m hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware. My mind races. It’s like being online and having 150+ tabs open at once. Alcohol only amplified this. My attempts to appear fun and carefree turned into alcoholism to escape the complete downward spiral of numbing depression I was experiencing. After a series of ugly events, one being rape by someone I considered a true friend and confidant, I lived in a fog for over a year. I checked out. I hurt a lot of people. I lost friends. I felt so much judgment. I had made too much a fool of myself for some and hadn’t done enough to prove myself worthy of the rest. As if making friends were being initiated into some twisted sorority. If only someone could’ve put themselves in my shoes.

I am now a stay-at-home mom in Utah. I am an active member of the Mormon church and often feel that same frustration of being ostracized. I have tattoos. I have been inactive in the church. I have a lot of “life experience.” It seems like I am just a transplant here. From somewhere else. Foreign. “Other.” I don’t mean to be dramatic as I write this. I have literally been told “I don’t really know if it’s worth getting to know you. You might not be here for long.” It’s amazing how tight knit circles here can be. It sucks to be on the outside.

Some days I feel like I have been many different people. I celebrate this. In all my journeys, trials or not, I’ve found beautiful lessons. These lessons have been my becoming.

I love the quote: “Be grateful you don’t fit in where you don’t belong.” I watched the movie Wonder last night and the main character Auggie’s sister says to him: “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” I am reminded of the words “pioneer,” “trailblazer” and “resistance.” I picture Carrie Fisher raising a giant middle finger, her arm around my shoulders, saying, “To hell with all of these people. The greatest you can be is authentically you.”

Time is the great equalizer. Realizing that the greatest minds in history have been made fun of, left out and misunderstood is my new source of comfort. It’s helping me find my voice. It’s so much more important “to thine own self be true.”

If you’re feeling stuck, if you feel like you will never be “enough” look at how you define that. Your opinion is the only one that matters. And don’t be afraid to raise your own flag high and flash a big moon at the limits others place on you.

I stand with you.

healing
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About the Creator

J H

Wife. Mother. Voice. Lover of kindness and compassion.

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