“Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free” – Robert Tew
I️ find that quote to be quite cliché for obvious reasons, yet it is still one of the most true and intelligent things I️ have ever heard. This quote really connects to my thoughts in making this, and my thoughts on a couple other things.
You see right now I'm at a point in my life where I’m not sad, nor happy. I️ feel frozen in time, not moving forward or back. And in my brief life, including being at my highest and lowest, I️ have found that this constant numb feeling hurts more than any pain. This pain can only be described as not being happy or having a feeling of contentment, but not knowing why or how to fix it, But also not having a feeling of sadness so it’s undiagnosable. Imagine running a race but the finish line is no where in sight and you are not running but in the rest of the worlds misdirected eye you are sprinting. I️ don’t want to sound to morbid but in all honesty it’s emotionally draining, and my heart is beyond tired. And with that honesty comes my first step to seeing that finish line, and really start running again.
Being honest with myself and others regarding my mental state has always been a heavy, toilsome thing that I️ have always been beyond afraid to do. And in trying to fill that void that has come upon me recently, I️ think doing something I️ have always been scared to do will be a huge push in the right direction. I️ want to do something that will set me free. I️ want to feel again. I️ want something that is mine, that I can share with people I️ care about. I️ want to have some type of purpose. I️ want to extinguish that fear I️ have that is holding me back. I️ don’t want to be afraid. Even writing this right now is hard. Every opinion that someone might have about me is drowning my mind, but almost not caring is me gasping for air. And let me tell you that air feels amazing.
Even though I️ could think of 200 scenarios where this is a bad idea, I️ could lock myself up in a world where my feelings are hidden to a point where I️ don’t even know where they are, I️ could choose to care what people have to say, I️ could do so many things that would hold me back, that would keep me afraid, but this is where I️ say it stops. This is where I️ choose to be creatively active in my everyday life, and let go of all the heaviness on my mind and heart. This is where I️ choose to try and fix this emptiness and fill it with a new beginning of self-honesty, and over all inner beauty.
I’m hoping this vulnerability will open my eyes to new things that I️ would previously never get a chance to see. It will be good for me to get to write about my every day life/experiences/things that compel me and in that throw away all the sugar coating bull shit and really feel confident in my feelings.
I️ know that this is no miracle medicine, and it might seem pretty dumb to you, but this is really a big deal to me for many reasons I️ can get into later. I’m exited to turn to the next chapter, not letting every circumstance in my life write the story, and allow myself to take the wheel and write it myself.
I️ know I️ have to take control of my feelings. Self-love, honesty, acceptance, and an abundance of other good things are the ingredients to getting better. Thank you for making it this far and stay tuned for my journey through this mess we call life. ❤️