Satiated-Healing Anxious Attachment

Who is ready to join me in my healing journey?

I am asking myself the question: how do you love and let go?

I am a giver. When I think about what compels me to act this way, a lot of it has to do with making people like me. I have a strong want to make people feel safe in my presence, and I was very hard on myself within my perfectionism. Some has to do with being a black woman. There is always a stigma by just existing. I carry with me a hypersensitivity and awareness of the feelings of others. Some may say that is the characteristic of an empath! An empath can take on the feelings of others as their own, and this compels them to conform to the wishes of others. I am working on reversing these tendencies within myself so that I can cultivate more self-love. It feels like a push and pull to the wishes of others sometimes not willingly, and this is a recipe to lose yourself. Some may relate to these feelings. We try so hard to people please that we lie to ourselves telling others that we are ok, until we explode in the build up of our contained/ bubbling anger, fear, or jealousy.

Just like the dog in the photo, we live alone in our minds, waiting on other people to make us complete. This is a way to fester an incompleteness, a hunger for our "masters" to fill us with the love that we are missing or waiting on. If you do not have a grounding in what you love, then you are latching on to try others' passions. I was guilty of this. When I found an interest in my first romantic encounter, I decided to "try on" her interests at first to heal myself, but then it turned into an obsessive clench to feel complete in her alone.

I want to give you some advice:

Find skills that make you valuable and that you enjoy, so that when you go out into the world, you feel worthy, and you feel that you have something that makes you a catch.

I often find that when I was at my most depressed, I suffered from rumination. I am still recovering from this with professional help. But getting sleep, slowing down, and not getting so overwhelmed in life with who to impress and how to act around people—this is desperate. I have lived in a desperate state to keep love, and the fighting and getting the door slammed in your face over and over and over produces mental health challenges. Being shutout as a people pleaser, and empath used to create so much sadness, so much anger, so much turmoil within my body with no outlet but with food for me.

I would eat my feelings to make the fear go away, to make the shame go away, to make myself safe from the world that kept hurting me. I developed social anxiety, and used the coping mechanism of shutting down.

Shutting down is probably the worst default, but the "safest" default. It is the best way to feel power without exerting physical force. It is all internal. And it is a troubled way to live being silent.

Another way to heal anxious attachment is to read up on how to heal it. It was recommended to me to Read Insecure In Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps. It provides insight on which attachment style you have, and how to find how it affects you mentally, and socially. This has confirmed my Anxious Attachment. When I feel abandoned or left alone for too long, then I tend to shut down, over-eat, self-medicate, or get triggered with anger, jealousy, and fear that creates health problems. So, knowing that there can be healing with this part of myself can help me avoid health issues, and toxic relationships that are one-sided or unbalanced that do not cause pain, lies, mixed-messages, and a lack of commitment.

If you beat yourself up, then you are only doing damage to yourself. You are your own worst enemy. Give yourself respect, and work on finding what makes you happy, and fulfilled alone. Not everyone is going to accept you, and college is a time to realize that you are not tough stuff. You are vulnerable, and no matter how hard you work at friendships, academics, and relationships you cannot master what you are not prepared or ready for.

If you try to jump into a pool without learning to swim then you will drown.

If you try to drive a car without driving lessons, then you will get into a car accident.

If you try to have a romantic relationship without having healed from the previous, then those issues will continue to manifest.

So, my advice would be to take time with yourself. Sit within the discomfort, talk to yourself, every action within your healing is natural. Tell yourself that you love yourself. And go on an exciting adventure to find out who you are, and what makes you feel satiated. Don't shut down, and just try to be open each day. Every step is commendable. Make goals for yourself each day, but make sure you always add something that will benefit your healing and health. If you wallow in what you do not have then you will ultimately be unhappy. Defend yourself with academics, improving yourself because you are amazing. No matter where you are in your healing of anxious attachment, you can find the security that you are longing for!

Much Love to All of my Readers <3