Reflections on Life

Today I turned 67. I found myself thinking about my life, the decisions I have made and the consequences of each.

I think hormones are to blame for most of my problems, those pesky little urges you get when you see the opposite sex and your eyes are popping out of your head. I believe I was born loving men because when I was just a little girl I remember getting crushes on boys who were a lot older than me. They were maybe as old as seven or eight, but I was only four. Oh, how those pesky hormones ran my life. I believe out of the five marriages I've had, most of them were hormone-driven. Problem is when that urge wears off, and it will, the person you are left with is neither your best friend nor are they someone you have a lot in common with. That leads to boredom and mistrust which can cause all sorts of problems. I never stuck around longer than three years, except for my last husband. He and I were together for about 18 years if you count the times we lived together. I did hate it when he introduced me as his wife and we had already gotten the divorce, but he finally got the message.

Other than being hormone-driven I think the next mistake I made was always doing more for other people than I did for myself. You can be too nice and too busy pleasing others and in the meantime, you tend to lose yourself. I always said what I thought the other person wanted to hear and did what they wanted even if I didn't want to. I just assumed if someone else wanted to do it than it must be more important than what I wanted to do. Too bad I didn't get over that until my sixties because there are a lot of people I would like to see now and let them know they no longer decide for me who and what I am.

Because my sons always treated me as though I was the best mom in the world, I never understood that I was maybe the worst mom in the world. I did not spend the time with my kids I should have, nor did I always put their needs first. I would justify my not being there when they went to bed and told myself they didn't care and it didn't matter, but it did. I left my oldest son with my parent so I could go to Los Angeles and get a job and an apartment. I did, but when I went to get my son they were so attached to him I simply couldn't take him away, so I moved back to the small town I'd left to live on the coast. If I had it to do all over again, I would make sure my kids were the number one priority in my life. They always were in my heart, but I didn't always show it in my actions.

I've done a lot of good things as well, if I am to be fair and balance the information. I paid the bail for a girl to get out of jail so she could go home and be with her kids and baby. I was in there because my abusive boyfriend at the time was trying to beat me, again, only this time I had been taking aikido classes and I drew blood on his forehead. The little ninny ran to the phone and called the sheriff and had me arrested for assault. Needless to say, I paid no penalty because he'd beat every woman he'd ever been with and had a track record a mile long. Yet, I stayed with him. Well, back to the point. The lady who I ultimately bailed out was young, in her 20s, and she had been arrested for unpaid parking tickets. She would be held until the state felt the tickets were paid for by her time. She was nursing her baby, and I couldn't let them hold her, so when Mr. Abusive bailed me out the next day, I went home and took all the fencing I'd bought and grabbed my unemployment check and got cash for everything. Then I went back to the jail and got my friend out. That was the best day of my life, giving her back her freedom.

All and all, it's been a good life. Some may not agree because I had a difficult childhood with parents who would not work and settle down, but from that I learned many lessons others may never learn. I seemed to get tangled up with abusive men, but from that too I learned lessons about people and how they manipulate you. I have three wonderful sons and three grandchildren, but mostly I have a constant friend, my dog Tauri, only Tauri is in heart failure. I will selfishly hate to let her go someday, but I will be happy for her when she is in heaven with her friends and happy.

Thank you for reading my thoughts. Maybe we all should sit down occasionally and think about our lives. I know my eyes are open now.