Peace of Mind

Everyone, at one point in their lives, does things that they are not proud of and then later allows it to ruin their peace. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. Take me for example, I have done many things that I am not proud of and now here I am at 8 pm on a Monday night with my mind reeling. I want to have a calm, quiet, and peaceful mind and yet for some reason, all I can think about, or more accurately dwell on, are the things I have done in the past. These things are in the past and yet they still prove to be such an issue and it is not for the things themselves, but it is because of the way they make me see myself.

At the time I was carefree and I had no regard for the way other people viewed me, but for some reason, I now wonder at a constant rate what the consequences of these things may be. I am 20 years old; I should still be untroubled and easygoing, especially by the things I did in the PAST, yet here I am writing because I am trying to clear my mind before I try my hardest to drift into a semi-deep slumber that I pray comes quickly although it almost never does.

Isn't this suppose to be the time in life that I make mistakes and not think about all of the possible consequences? Or is that just in the ever too gratifying teenage/young adult movies where everything goes the most satisfying direction for almost everyone? Maybe I just have a pessimistic state of mind considering I am always waiting for the other shoe to not just drop but slam down and cause a dramatic paradigm shift in my life.

The only things that should matter are that I am healthy and loved by my family and yet I have constantly searched for validation in places I thought it would be provided but only now am I beginning to discover that they were only places, or should I say, people, that have increased my sense of self-loathing.

Looking back I can see this and it makes me sad to know that I felt the only way I could be happy was to be valued by those around me who couldn't provide me with the level of value that I deserved.

I know that I shouldn't go looking to other people for validation, but for a while, that's all I did through friends and romantic interests in my life. It felt like the normal thing to do, but my subconscious knew better and yet I still ignored my better instincts only to find that it caused unanticipated grief and anxiety a couple of years later. An anxiety that I deal with on a daily basis and am learning to manage through hobbies and nightly meditation, but I still can't help but wonder about the cause of the random anxious outbursts.

It was seemingly out of the blue when one day everything that I had done, and at one point felt a pang of regret about, came flooding back willing me to drown under the waves. Sometimes it feels as though I am treading with my head barely above the water, looking calm and collected on the surface while paddling like hell underneath to stay afloat. I just have to keep fighting until one day it gets easier. I will continue to accept these participation ribbons until I can win the first place trophy because life is about trying your best and working like hell to improve in any and every way that you can.