Patience

"Patience is a virtue" many say; but what does that include? Some think it means having patience with others and not losing your cool when someone does something that upsets you. I found out it also includes being patient with yourself; breathing deeply and forgiving yourself when you don't reach a deadline or when you fail to go through with plans you made with friends because anxiety got the best of you or depression pulled you down into its dark depths of hell for some time and you just can't seem to get yourself out of bed. It is okay to not be okay sometimes. You are human. Forgive yourself.

Let's begin with anxiety. It is a mental disorder that comes in many forms and severities. Mine has been a rollercoaster since I was little but more so as I have grown. Anxiety is like a second conscience in your head that can make you feel like you have literally gone crazy. It has been the main root of my issue with having patience with myself. Whether it was my schoolwork, art, my time clock at my job, or simply getting errands ran and chores done, my brain always found some way to tell me it wasn't enough or that I was not doing it right or that I took too long. You are your own worst critic but this went farther than just that. I went over a year without even picking up my pencil to create art because I thought I would screw it up. I would risk a speeding ticket just to get to work on time because I was sick and was slow getting ready and thought if I didn't clock in at the exact time that I would be fired immediately. I would beat myself up every night when I realized that yet again I had forgotten to get a chore finished or I forgot to go run a certain errand I had been thinking about for days because things came up during the day or I was too tired or too sad to even get out of bed. Your mind has ways of making you feel like everyone is against you even when you have an entire support system of friends and family cheering you on.

Now, imagine this, you are 18 and fresh out of high school thinking, "I'm ready. I have my plans and all I have to do is execute them." Easy, right? Wrong. You soon find that your plan to continue working the same retail job you've had since senior year and save up for an apartment is harder than it seems. As soon as you save $100, you suddenly have to go to the doctor because you hurt yourself by accident. Okay, start over. You finally start saving again, $20, $40, $50, you get excited because you are finally seeing progress again with saving up... Your hours get cut at work, you have to pick up a second job, your car payment goes up from $300 to $330 and you find out you have to see a specialist because something in your back is wrong and is causing you to have so much pain you are practically bed bound for weeks at a time. You start doubting if this cycle of mess will ever slow down. You think, "it can be so much worse," which you're right, it could be; so you become grateful and push on. You discover that due to your back troubles, you may have to quit both of your jobs and start over. Your mind goes frantic and you begin to cry. You are 18! This is when you are supposed to be getting a career started, moving out of your parents' house, finding where you are supposed to be. Right? No.

Society has shoved down our throats for years that 18 is the "magic number" and once you graduate high school you either start college or go into the workforce. Well, for some, college isn't a ready option right out of high school, so the workforce is where we stick. We think we will make so much money and be able to start our independent lives immediately and everything will be okay. What we don't realize is that more times than not, you don't get that lucky. So you lose patience with yourself and wonder what you are doing wrong. The answer is, you aren't doing anything wrong, you are just on a journey that is taking longer than you initially thought. That is okay. You do not have to be successful by the age of 20 or even 25. You are allowed to go at your own pace and start things over if you feel it would be best for you. Do not listen to the questions your family and peers may ask, such as the good ole', "So have you started college yet?" or "Have you gotten your own place now?" It is frankly none of their concern where you are on your journey. You will accomplish everything you wish at your own time. Stop listening to the bad things your mind may tell you and start speaking positivity into your every move. You are human and you deserve a chance. Be gentle with yourself. Learn to be your own best friend because at night and times when everyone has their own struggles, you are all you have. Breathe, continue to be grateful for your journey, and forgive yourself often. You WILL make it to where you dream to be.