Overcoming Obstacles & Redefining Failure

I am a person who has embarked on several new beginnings in my life. I have moved to new cities, taken on challenging jobs, completed university, and fallen in love. One thing I have recognized is that during every one of my achievements I have been burdened with many obstacles. Like, things that should go smoothly, and otherwise should have been simple. But then they drag on, and I must decide “Is this a sign I should stop?” or “Is this a test?”

Human beings love the concept of “signs.” It is because we are indecisive by nature, especially given so many options. Our brains are wired for our survival, and our modern world is complex—the “flight or fight” module in our brain is not so practical when deciding about continuing the job we have or branch into a career we want. While every person is set upon their own unique journey with their own lessons, I have realized everything I had ever set to accomplish, I selected the “is this a test?” narrative when facing an obstacle. Often with one perceived failure, or set back, I would become more annoyed but still hold on to the faith that I should continue. It was as if there was something compelling me to do these things, something bigger than just who I am on the outside.

Let’s explore the “Is this a sign I should stop?” narrative. As I mentioned, our brains are wired for self-preservation. Sometimes we know that taking a risk or making a change is, in the long term, our best interest. But I have seen so many people panic before fully investing in the change and opting for the same or safe. Why is this? Because we are also wired to not want change. We convince ourselves: “Why risk moving forward when everything is fine right now?” Fine is probably the worst word you can use to describe your life situation. This narrative talks us out of doing the things in life we actually want to do.

A friend of mine had heard one of her favorite bands was coming to a city nearby. She was bummed. “I can’t afford to go to that concert.” That was her excuse. I walked in one Monday morning and noticed she seemed happier than usual. “I decided just to buy the ticket. I don’t care about the cost, and I will go by myself if I have to.”

“I can’t afford it,” “I probably would not like it as much as I think I would,” “It probably wont work,” and probably the most popular: “I am too scared.” All these thoughts convince us to keep going hard on the same path.

Mel Robbins proposes that excitement and fear are the exact same emotion—emotionally and physiologically. The only difference is our narrative and our sense of self-efficacy. Now, regarding my friend with the concert ticket you might say, “Well, there are a lot of things I can’t afford.” Is that the only barrier? When I was 18, Michael Jackson announced he was doing a series of concerts in London. I literally screamed, and I did everything in my power to get the tickets to the concert, and to book a flight to London. While I never got to see the concert because of his untimely death, I was so proud of myself that I made that happen. I ended up going to England at the age of 18 and had life changing experiences that would not have occurred otherwise. It cemented the fact: I can do anything if I put my mind to it. If you really want something, and I mean really want it, why not just go for it? In my first blog post I listed “5 Regrets of Terminally Ill patients” and they boiled down to “I wish I had just let myself __________” The difference between you and the person living your dream is simply that they had the mangos to go for it. Would you rather be afraid or excited?

We have been hypnotized by movies to think that we need to train super hard and be an expert in something before we even try it. This leads to self-consciousness, which turns into anxiety, which is basically fear. Life is a learning curve. Sometimes that means things don’t go as we hoped or expected. But the only true failure is giving up or never trying. I have gone to job interviews that I really wanted, and I did not get them. Rather than be upset, I just said to myself, “I did the best with what I have, and for that I am proud. I can be okay with that.”

Our culture is not a fan of putting ourselves out there, but as Brene Brown states in her new book, Rising Strong (and I am paraphrasing): We need to put ourselves out there for the good and bad. If we shut down ourselves from feeling the bad, we automatically numb out the good with it. That is when our lives become flat soda (those are my words, not hers).

Life requires taking risks, and sometimes that looks like failure. When you work hard for something and it does not work out right away, rather than avoiding the pain, I want you to sit with it. Sit with the feeling of disappointment but do not narrate your feelings. Do not blame or insult yourself. Feel the pain, then after, practice your gratitude. I have reframed “Is this a test?” to “This is a test to see if I really want this” then ask, “Do I?” Then go back to square one, use what you learned in your journey and try it again. You only live once.

But…

I want to address a phenomenon that I have experienced many times, the safety choice masquerading as a dream. For 2018, I have decided I am only going to be self-employed. I applied for a job a while back that seemed fine. When I applied I had an icky feeling, like I don’t really want this job, but maybe I would like it. I ended up getting an interview for it, which sort of surprised me, since I really did not want it. Next thing I knew I was enthusiastically convincing myself that I want this job even though I didn’t know how much it paid, and it would take up a lot of my time. I felt like I rocked the interview, but it turned out I did not get the job. I basically set myself up for rejection and wasted a lot of time in the process. I immediately thought of a used car salesperson from when I was looking at “economical” cars well under my budget. He told me, “You can’t force yourself to like it.” He was right about the car, and that philosophy rang true for my life. This is why I encourage you to ask yourself if what you are going after is really want you want. Are you trying to pick what is easy? What is manageable? What your friends or family think you should do or have? Anything worth doing in life is rarely easy, so don’t waste your time. If you don’t know what you want in life, your first objective is finding that out. Once you figure that out, go for it. If all that is stopping you is fear, get excited.