Now, Later, or Never

Going back and forth with my head is so tiring. I'm the type of thinker that no matter what, I always go to the extreme with any given thought, and then I get so fixated on some particular aspect of that thought until I'm finally in a very, deep, emotional well. Whew.

I just get so frustrated from trying to figure out everything, knowing that I can't! Sometimes I just want answers so bad that I will rack through every lobe of my brain until every last drop of mental energy I have is diminished. And then after that, I'll try and scrape the last of that mental energy to go back and re-rack my brain. After that? I just hope my prayers get answered at that point.

Yes. I have a problem but the first step is acceptance.

Anyway, I do all of that in an attempt to come up with what? Peace? Comfort? Validity? What would come out of knowing the answers to everything right now? Would it help me? Hinder my growth? What the heck do I know? That's just it: I don't know anything! My mind is literally not capable of being omniscient, and I need to accept that. I don't know what the heck is going to happen tomorrow, or in a few months, or in a year. I can make plans, but I won't actually know if they'll happen. Sometimes you make plans that don't end up happening and sometimes they do, but either way, you won't know until it happens. Right? I'm rambling.

It's scary thinking about what I don't know because I'm only thinking through my own mental limits. I can only think based off of what I know and I have seen, but I'm also capable of thinking so much higher. That being said, I made a commitment to actually start learning to love myself. It sounds so cliche, but I really want to learn to fall in love with myself. I mean getting to know who I really am, and not who I am based off of the things that have happened around me. And now that I'm starting to care more about myself, I'm also starting to care less about putting mental energy into things that don't concern me right now. I mean, if it's not going to benefit my personal growth, then what's the point?

I say all of that to say this: I won't always know the answers to everything that happened or will happen in my life. Whether I get an answer now, later, or never, what matters is that I have everything I need within myself. Myself is the only thing that I have physical control over. That means I literally just have myself. I don't have mind power over anyone else but me. So if someone close to you disappears from your life, yeah it's gonna tear you apart, but you can't control whether that person leaves or not. You can only control how you handle yourself.

So here's to not knowing the answers to my life right now and falling in love with myself in the meantime. Cheers.

Source: Tales of a Healing Heart