Negativity

I used to care what people thought of me to the point of obsession. Gossip runs rampant and I couldn't help but feel paranoid that I was also the topic of conversation when not around. I live in a small town where everyone's business is known. I've made a lot of mistakes here and town arrests make the news... literally. When I failed epically I also failed publicly. I was a negative judgmental person myself back then so I really can't be too upset about some of the rumors my drunken nights created.

'Xoxo Gossip Girl'

I remember being enthralled in gossip with my friends but sometimes it seemed like that's the only reason we even talked. I think changing this behavior had a lot to do with meeting so many addicts and listening to their stories during my rehab and detox stays. You see, until I became an addict I had a lot of ignorant opinions about them—all from hearsay and none from personal experience. I had let society's loudest opinions on the matter become my own. Walking in to these places as a shy naive girl but always leaving a determined woman once again, strength in numbers gave me confidence.

I eventually gained comfort from the knowledge that any person from any walk of life could end up at rock bottom like me. I wasn't weak for what I had done nor was I a bad person for my past decisions. The people that love me know my heart and yes I've done bad things, but that will never change who I am as a whole. That strength helped me stop giving so much weight to the people that didn't matter.

'Living in the Now'

These days you can find me laughing and cracking jokes much like my old self. Even though I still have bad days and moments of panic, I can now control those feelings on my own without the need to self-medicate with dangerous drugs to numb my pain. I now repel negative thoughts by replacing them with good vibes and I did this by working on my mindset every day as part of self care. Another thing has changed—I no longer give two shits what anyone thinks of me and it's been pure freedom. I rarely engage in gossip and it feels good to have a life full of positivity. Letting go of other's negativity has actually made me a less negative and judgmental person. Instead of passing judgment I like to really get to know people and be conscious of the world around me now.

Being content is about living in the present. You can't be happy with your surrounding if you aren't happy with yourself first. It's a lot of letting go, learning forgiveness, and not letting negativity affect you. I still get angry, I still have an attitude, and I'll always cuss like a sailor. I didn't have to change who I am to become a better person. I am just conscious of others' feelings. Your parents weren't wrong when they said treat people how you want to be treated.

It is my goal to shed light on the world of psychiatric care and break the negative stigma attached to it. I absolutely know that more people would reach out for help if the world was more compassionate and understanding. Instead many are suffering in their own personal hell afraid of being labeled weak, crazy or worthless.

Just because someone looks fine does not mean they are not struggling mentally or with an invisible illness, be kind. If I could go back and change one thing about my care it would be to have a bit more understanding and caring from others around me. I can't tell you how many times I thought ending my life would relieve my family and friends.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -Dalai Lama