My Spiritual Journey

“In a wide variety of traditions, a Spiritual Journey is seen as a path toward one or more of the following: a higher state of awareness, the perfection of one’s own being, wisdom, or communion with God or with creation.”

I thought I would write about my spiritual awakening(s) I have had over time… Something I reflect back on frequently but I haven’t really written about it before, probably because I had no idea where to start… But I find writing to be my greatest tool for self-reflection, and I think this is something I need to reflect over!

I believe that my spiritual journey started naturally when I was born, I was constantly being influenced by the people around me. I grew up in a Catholic home, went to church and even attended a Catholic school for my entire schooling years. So I do have a background in the Catholic religion, I have even completed the first three sacraments.

I just felt like religion seemed weird to me, all the traditions, ceremonies and rituals. Most of it seemed unnecessary, and kind of pointless, but at that time in my life, it was the only thing I knew, and they did still speak a lot of truth, but there was something that was missing from it for me…

When I was seven I had my first big spiritual awakening experience when I witnessed my grandma pass away in front of me. My whole life changed in an instant. Time stood still, and I was completely aware and in the present moment, nothing else mattered…

I lost my sense of self that tragic evening, it was my first real experience of death, but I had a deep inner knowing that it wasn’t the end, I would see her again one day, and she would always be with me in my heart.

It was my first real experience with death, and I understood it very well for my age. My grandma was my best friend as a young child, I was heartbroken, but I also knew she was gone and I would never see her again.

I suddenly realize that I was a mortal being and that my life had an eventual ending point. You lose some of your childlike wonders when you first come to terms with death, and you realize that your life is limited, and you don’t have all the time in the world to accomplish things. You stop taking things for granted, people especially, when you know they don’t have forever.

It was a very long, cold and snowy night the night she died, but I wasn’t alone, I felt I was being comforted by who I have come to know as God, the higher power that we all feel and know is there, but call it many different names.

I go back and forth between God and my higher self. But it came to my aid that night and assured me everything would be okay, time heals all wounds and that I would learn a great deal from this experience. I felt it's presence and felt calmness and peace.

After a while of crying, my tears had healed me and I felt a sense of peace. I had quit crying completely and felt sudden strength and courage like I had never felt before, so I went on that night to comfort my family members, and to take care of my own mom who has just lost her’s, and whose heart was painfully broken. I was a very empathic and compassionate child… All I was thinking that night was, “yes this is really hard right now, but you’ll get through this experience, and you will be stronger and wiser because of it.”

Profound thoughts to have at seven years old.

I even had the thought that one day this would all make more sense, and I would even write about this experience. But at seven years old, I definitely wasn’t a writer yet. But now I understand what that meant, it just took many years to figure that out, but all the pieces are falling into place over time…

That night was the first night I realized that I was eternal. Even though death would take our physical bodies, the soul would live on forever. I still felt my grandmothers presence, even though she had died, she was still around, I just couldn’t see her anymore. This understanding at such a young age carried with me throughout my life, it changed me in profound ways. I no longer feared death. I didn’t want to die yet, I still had lots of living to do, but I wasn’t scared of it happening because I knew that something would come next, it wasn’t the “end.” Like so many have to come to believe…

My family was concerned about my well being, wondering if they should send me to therapy for going through such a traumatic experience. I always said I was fine, it was something I knew I needed to go through on my own, my soul had planned this for its own soul growth. But I was fine, and I also knew that death was a part of life and it was all necessary, no matter how terrible and heartbreaking it is. It certainly made me appreciate everyone a lot more knowing that my time with them was limited.

I realized through that experience that change is inevitable, nothing stays the same forever and that it’s through the hard times that we grow the most. I have come to see experience as one of life’s greatest teachers now, and when I do have a bad experience, I see it as an even better learning opportunity for my self to grow from.

Following that night, I began to “wake up” slowly over time to who I was, and what I was doing here on this planet called Earth. I had a profound sense of self while growing up, something I realized that most people around me didn’t… I talked to myself a lot, which sounds crazy, but I always got an answer to all my questions. It’s like children with imaginary friends, the voice inside became my best friend, and because I was alone a great deal growing up, we would talk pretty much all the time.

It was a wise voice, and had all the answers to all the questions I had, and I had a lot of questions. I would spend hours each day just in a meditative state questioning the universe.

I felt somewhat special, or different than the rest of the people around me. I clearly knew something that few others seemed to realize, and I could tell this simply by observation. Everyone was asleep to their divinity.

It was like having a deep awareness of your self, not the self you think you are, but the deeper self. The observer of life. The unbiased, nonjudgemental part of you that is experiencing the life you are living. The eternal, all-knowing and timeless soul inside each and every one of us. But try understanding that one when you are 10 years old and the internet doesn’t exist yet… I certainly thought I was crazy, especially since I couldn't talk to anyone about what I was experiencing...

I grew up always watching, and observing, coming up with my own understanding of things, and trying to figure out the nature of life. I was thinking the big questions in life from a young age, who am I? Why am I here? What is the meaning of all this? What does being alive mean?

I knew instinctively that the way most people lived life was entirely wrong, completely backward if anything. There had to be more to life than what I was being told, and what I could see… This place was far too wonderful of an experience for us to be here to work for 40 years to pay the bills and then hope you have enough money to last you through retirement… It just felt that we were doing it all wrong, like something important was missing from the framework of society.

After growing up way too quickly, I was extremely mature for my age. At 10 years old I remember thinking to myself, I am no longer a child, I am past that stage, I’ve seen too much, I am basically an adult now. But I was okay with that, I wanted to grow up, I wanted the freedom the adults had, I’ve always been a free spirit, and I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to make my own decisions.

Some would call me an old soul, or wise beyond my years, and to be honest, I was, or I am. Still to this day I find myself thinking like an old wise man, not a 26-year-old female millennial. I should be out partying and seeing what Kim Kardashian is up to, but no. Instead, I am meditating, and reading about the origins of humanity, Who we really are, and where we are going, writing about my journey, and traveling as often as I can.

I am contemplative and curious, I always want to know more about life, existence and who I am. Which is why I ask these questions to myself so frequently… Its the only thing that has really intrigued me in life, figuring out the meaning of life is fascinating to me.

*

Now, I always knew that something big would happen in my lifetime. I didn’t know what it was going to be when I was younger, but now I know that its the awakening of humanity that is happening, and what a truly wonderful time to be alive indeed!

Currently, we are all experiencing spiritual awakenings all over the earth, and it can be a confusing time for many because what will happen is age-old beliefs will be destroyed, leaving us feeling confused and lost in a sea of information. We are basically getting upgrades, like the way a computer would, and we are evolving to a higher state of consciousness.

Having a spiritual awakening can be a time of confusion for many, and many have also been told they are crazy for some of the stuff they come to realize after a spiritual awakening. But if you have lived your entire life believing that you are just a helpless human and you're nothing special, insignificant and unworthy of love, joy, and peace. And then you have a spiritual awakening and you realize that you are just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much more than you once thought you were, it can be a pretty overwhelming experience.

But its nothing we can't handle, even at times you want to lock yourself in your room and never come out. Which I experience on a frequent basis…

The awakening has already begun and has been taking place already for many years, but now it is getting stronger and faster. Earth is now being bombarded by light energy, and people all around the world are waking up to the truth of who we are.

I used to experience an awakening like once a year, and then it was every month, and now it seems like every week, or even daily sometimes. They come in waves I guess. They can be a little overwhelming, especially if you don’t understand what is happening. Sometimes I will feel like I can't keep up with what I am realizing, and then other times it feels like I haven’t had one in ages, and I actually want one to come.

When I talk about these awakenings I mean, I am experiencing these "ah-ha" moments or sudden realizations about reality. Such an example could be, the realization of who you are, or when you get a tiny glimpse of the big picture. We realize a new truth about ourselves that implies, there is no going back to what you previously thought.

Your old beliefs are stripped down and you fight to stay afloat. It’s like your entire world falls apart in a matter of seconds so that you can start building on what new information you have discovered, and the new information you will start to understand will blow your old beliefs about reality OUT OF THE PARK! The truth is a phenomenal discovery about who it is we truly are, we are magnificent beings with infinite potential, and we have been lied to for thousands of years about our origins.

We won’t understand a lot of it when it is happening, but somehow through time, it sorts itself out and all make sense one day. We just have a very, very limited perspective as to whats going on here, imagine seeing reality through a tiny pinhole in a piece of cardboard. That is basically how we as humans experience it… So it’s very restricted, there’s a lot going on that we don’t understand, see, or experience.

Einstein said it perfectly when he said: “There is more to heaven and Earth Horatio than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

When I was seven and had that spiritual awakening, I didn’t at that moment know that’s what it was—I had no idea what was happening! I actually thought I was going crazy. But whatever it was, it had shaken me to the core of my being. Nothing could ever change that experience for me, it was mine to learn and grow from. I have gone back in my mind to that night many, many times. I’ve written about it many, many times. And I’ve never stopped learning something new from it.

That night when I witnessed my grandma die, I realized I was an eternal being, and death just meant I move on to something else, I would never “cease to exist completely” and that gave a spark to the fire in me that wanted to grow as wild as it could.

I became a free spirit, who knew I was immortal. This current life was just one out of thousands I would get to experience. I knew I lived before this life also, even though I couldn’t remember it, and although I didn’t learn about reincarnation until I was much older, I believed in it fully.

If life was, in fact, eternal, that meant that I wanted to learn as much as I could about life. I never interested myself in the subjects learned at school because I never cared much for them, I cared mostly for just following my heart and learning about things that were of interest to me in each present moment. Some days I will spend the entire day looking into the existence of aliens for example because that is a subject I find fascinating! Who are we to say that we are the only intelligent life in the entire universe made up of billions, and billions of other galaxies?

We aren't alone... But soon we will know the truth... Which is, the universe is absolutely TEEMING with life! But that's a story for another day.

I never enjoyed being forced to learn a specific subject. Plus from a young age on I knew there was something very wrong with the school system, and I had a bigger dream than what we were told, aka, go to school, get a degree, get a job, find a partner, get married, buy a house, have a baby… You get the point. But I had a much bigger dream than the typical “American Dream,” so I chose not to take the post-secondary route and instead took the real-life experience as my path.

You know how in the game of life you can choose to either go to university and start out life 40k in debt? Or you can choose to go the other way and instead start working and making money right away… Well I played that game when I was a kid, and I never choose school back then either, I always, and I mean always went straight to work. Which I actually reflected on that as to why I was never going to school, even in a hypothetical game, and so I wanted to know why I was so against going to school…

But I just saw right through the illusion of it…

“Yeah let’s start all our young people off thousands of dollars in debt at the very start of their life so that they have to work a job their entire lives and will never discover the creative spirit inside of them because they won’t have any free time to discover who they truly are. Oh and also, let's encourage drinking so they literally destroy their most valuable asset, being their minds while they are at it because we will make them live for the weekends and go out and spend all their hard earned money on alcohol or more material stuff just to fill the void with… But first they will spend the first 18 years in the education system that is designed to keep them under control, so we don’t have anyone disobeying us.”

After all, isn't that what school does? Train our children to obey the system, and lose their most powerful ability: Their imagination… But don’t worry, that’s going to be changing soon too, there are great people out there already fighting for a different education system because our current one is just not working…

And so anyway, of course when I finished high school in real life, I went right to work, ready to make a life for myself. I was excited and hopeful, ready to make some money, buy some stuff, travel the world, and do all these awesome things. Create a stellar reality for myself.

But then, of course, real life had to get in the way of my plans, when the force of nature took my mom from my life when I was 20 years old.

It was a very dark period of time for me. I won’t sugar coat it, I was angry, and I couldn’t see how this truly loving God would do such a thing to me when I had already experienced so much tragedy in my life? I knew deep down that everything does happen for a reason, but that light in me was growing fainter by the day.

I went spiraling out of control, and admittedly, I turned my back on God in an angry attempt to take life into my own hands, since he clearly didn’t care for me anyway… Some loving God I thought, taking my mother from me, what had I done to deserve this?

My mom had been my best friend growing up, and my biggest fear as a child was losing her, something that caused me extreme anxiety… And despite my best efforts at 12 years old when I tried to persuade her to quit smoking and start living a healthier lifestyle, or else she wouldn’t see my wedding day. It didn't work.

She never did quit smoking, and her life was ended at the age of 58 from Heart disease, which doesn’t surprise me one bit when I look at the way she lived. But at the time when she died, I just didn’t see a point to living anymore, despite my understanding of the law of attraction, my life was still falling apart and crumbling beneath me. I was in a pretty deep and dark pit, and it wasn’t very nice.

I call these days, my dark days. I didn’t do really anything other than sleep, eat, and play video games. I worked maybe 1-2 days (12 hours total) a week earning me just enough money to pay my bills, and buy food. I gained about 30 pounds during this period of time, which I have now lost completely, and am back to a normal weight, but it certainly wasn’t easy.

I hated myself so much during these times. When I looked in the mirror I saw an enemy looking back at me, not my best friend. It was a horrendous time period, but one that I had to go through no doubt. It changed me and helped me grow into the person I am today, but of course, I couldn’t see this at the time. I had no hope for the future, I was extremely depressed, I didn't see a point in continuing.

There was a night, it was sometime in December 2012, ironically enough… When I had this experience where I thought about killing myself, and I was trying to come up with the easiest and least painful way to end it all. What was the point anyway? Life wasn’t this magical thing I had thought as a child, life was depressing, painful, and full of fear and suffering, why would I want to continue living if I was just going to die anyways?

The darkness had taken over so much, there was no more light so that I had forgotten completely who I was, and it had me convinced that I was worthless.

As these thoughts raced through my head, and I decided that taking a bunch of pills and going to sleep was the best way to end my life, I was greeted by the voice I had turned my back on… God had come to the rescue! But I have to tell you that at the time, I didn’t know it was God, I came to that realization four years later, but for storytelling purposes… Let me continue.

As I sat there weeping on the floor of my living room, tears streaming down my face, it came to me as a moment of pure awareness that I will never forget because it changed my life completely…

He said, “Do you really want your mom’s life to be for nothing? Or do you want to rise up from this, and be the person you were meant to become?”

I didn’t know what to respond, but I always knew I was here for some bigger purpose, but I was 22 now, and I truly thought that my life was over, so what was I supposed to do? I also really couldn’t stand the person I had become, let alone believe in myself enough to go make some impact on the world that I had also grown to hate so much.

When I looked at the mess the world was in, I hated what I saw. So much hatred, greed, and fear taunted my thoughts. I didn’t see the love at all anymore because the darkness had taken over my life so well. I really didn’t want to live in such an awful world…

But then at the same time, I thought about my mom, and all the sacrifices she had made raising me as a single mother, raising me in such a phenomenal way that people would often comment on the great job she did raising me. She did so much for me, working her ass off to put food on the table, she sacrificed so damn much to raise me, and I certainly couldn’t just give up.

No that was not happening, but how was I supposed to move on from this? I was broken and I couldn’t see a way to be put back together…

I was full of fear and doubt, terrified for what the future would bring…

Before I could answer the question, in my mind’s eye I was directly shown two visions, the first one was a version of me if I stayed on the path I was on… I was about 40 years old, I was a fat, obese even, depressed crazy cat lady, living all alone in a tiny apartment, filled with fear, sadness, and full of regrets for not living the life that I knew was possible. That was if I continued on the path I was currently on, without God and his guidance by my side.

The dark path. What a bummer… I thought.

Then the second vision followed immediately after, and it was me at 30 years old, or maybe I was 40 but I certainly didn’t look it. I was happy and full of light, love, and positivity. I had many friends all over the world, I was an avid world traveler, bookworm, and seeker of truth. I was also in true love with someone, and genuinely happy. My life looked absolutely magical!

This was the life I would one day have if I choose to walk with God again, and allow him back into my life.

That night I made the decision that I would choose the second vision, no matter what it meant, I would start working to create a better self, and a better life. The two visions are what inspired me. I knew I couldn’t continue living the way I had been out of fear of becoming that depressing version of myself. I knew I needed to make a change, and I believed in myself enough to slowly start walking down the path.

“To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”

~ Chinese Proverbs

I did not have these realizations right away, I didn’t know what was happening, but that night I subconsciously choose to walk with God, but it wasn’t like we were instantly best buddies again. We slowly, and I mean very slowly started to build a relationship together again.

I needed to learn to trust again because I had been so hurt in the past already. There was a lot of work I needed to do during that time, and it was like I was standing at the base of the mountain looking up wondering how on Earth I will climb that. I could envision myself at the top thanks to my wonderful mind, but I had no damn clue how I would get up there.

What I didn’t realize at the time though, was that I didn’t need to know how I would get up the mountain, I just needed to take the first step, and God would lead me up it. We don’t need to know how we are going to do something, we just need to trust that it will all unfold as it needs to.

I was a proud atheist at the time. Proud of not believing in anything. I had lost all faith in God, universe, source, energy, whatever you want to call it. So I just followed what science was saying which was we were a rare occurrence on this rock ball floating through space, and there was no grand meaning behind it all. There was no purpose or meaning to life. Little did I know that God was there that whole time, though he wasn’t obvious about it, he gave me the space and time I needed, as his plan slowly revealed itself to me.

I will fast forward three years because nothing huge happened in regards to my spiritual journey, I was focused on personal development but not the spiritual side of things yet… Like I said, even though God was working through me, I still didn't know it was God at this point. I was against all religions and thought people who believed in it were nuts.

So in the year 2015, I had finally started to get my life on track, things were looking good again, I was at a healthy weight after spending the last few years busting my ass at the gym, I was starting to travel finally after all it is my lifelong dream, I had just got back from living in Vancouver during summer 2015. I was extremely obsessed with personal development during this time period, which is when I found the Amway business.

That was another way in which God worked his magic through me because I specifically remember that when I joined the Amway business I said: “Oh yeah this is good and all, but I am not having any FAITH whatsoever.” I was very stubborn and proud to not be like all those seemingly “crazy” religious people. Oh, boy was I ever naive, we all do think we are right though.

I was required to start reading books again as part of being an Amway business owner, and although I had always loved reading, I had seemed to forget about it over the years. So over the period of about six months, through the powerful force of reading, I started to allow the idea of God and faith back into my life because I was seeing him from a different perspective now.

He was extremely patient with me and I slowly began to open myself up to him. Over four years after the night that I had those two visions I finally consciously decided that I wanted God back in my life. Oh, how little did I know at the time that he had been working his magic out already for many years!

His plan is so much grander than I could ever imagine, and that’s what I have realized when I start to connect everything in my past together.

I was no longer seeing him as this outside being that was playing with the strings my life, but I started to see him as inside myself co-creating my life WITH me, whether I knew this or not. Our thoughts create our realities. God was my intuition, that voice inside that I talked to a lot when I was younger whom I considered my best friend, and still do but, I didn’t know that THAT voice was God. This I realized a couple years ago, and it blew my mind when I did! It was like ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh I GET IT NOW. God is inside and always has been!

From that moment on, I suddenly got it. I was an essence of God, I was God. I am God. I am the creator of my reality, I am unlimited potential, I can be, do or have anything I want. It was the biggest awakening I think I have ever had. The day I realized that we are all God, we are all here to remember, experience and enjoy the wonders of life and that is why God created us. We are all sons and daughters of God, and when Jesus said, “What I can do you can do too,” he truly meant it, he knew 2500 years ago, who we actually were even though we did not.

But from that moment of pure clarity, everything changed for me. I became OBSESSED with spirituality, I went from being proud to not have any beliefs or faith. Arrogantly stating I was an atheist, to suddenly and seemingly overnight, believing with full conviction in God, as well as believing in and loving myself once again.

I remember when I first started to tell my friends, and they thought I was joking at first, but when I stood true ground, they realized I was far from joking. I have been very strong willed since I was a young child, my aunt told me I had a very strong mind even at two years old. I hold conviction in what I believe in, and no one can tell me otherwise, I am not someone you want to get into an argument with, especially if its something I feel strongly about, I am pretty strong-willed when it comes to my beliefs.

I read everything I could find on the subject, and still I am completely mesmerized by this whole new world I have discovered inside myself, the unseen and spiritual side of things. It seems that the more I feel I learn, the more I realize how much there is that I don’t know yet.

The deeper I fall into my own self, the deeper and deeper it goes. I don’t think there will ever be a time when I can honestly say, “yes I know and understand everything that there is to know.” That is just a completely false statement and anyone who claims they know everything are fooling themselves.

I am slowly falling through the veils of reality, and it has been a wild ride. There are illusions everywhere we turn on planet earth, and I don’t doubt that in time all these illusions will disappear leaving us with how reality was intended to be. God has a magnificent plan and he is here now, God has always been here.

Daily more and more people are opening up to the possibility of something more, there are no coincidences, everything happens all for a reason.

My suspicions as a child were accurate when I thought that there was something severely wrong with the world, but we are now waking up to this on a global scale, and that will cause us to dramatically change. It is already underway on a global measure, countless people every day are having these spiritual experiences just like I have. I believe all of humanity will eventually wake up in the same way many others have, and we simply won’t choose to live in fear anymore.

The light always overcomes the darkness, and it is always darkest right before the dawn.

Peace on earth is coming in the near future. We will live to see a brighter day! Faith in humanity will be fully restored, and we will once again be who we were created to be, full of unlimited creative power!

With Love and Light.

~Osana