My First

I was sweating. Profusely.

In my bright blue new Old Navy jumpsuit, that was very flattering on my figure, that made my legs look long as if they went on for miles, that was very hard to pee in. In my new Goodwill shoes, the white and brown decoration that criss-crossed over my toes. In my broken blue glasses that matched my bright blue new Old Navy jumpsuit. In my huge hot pink heart earrings that added the perfect pink pop of color to my majority blue ensemble. In my bracelets that came from all over the world, that came from my travels and my aunt's travels and my mom's travels and my friend's travels. I was either too casual or too formal, I knew I should've listened to my mom when she told me to do my makeup and curl my hair, maybe add a nice white necklace and primp myself until I wasn't myself anymore. I knew I should've listened to Kallie when she told me to throw on any old T-shirt and jeans, to wear my busted up sneakers from painting sets and building costumes all summer, to just pretend I had just rolled out of bed so I could relate to the other performers.

I was also sitting in the middle seat of the second row of my father’s big bulky white car in the third from the left parking spot in front of the Coldtowne Theater.

I was freaking out.

My entire family—plus Caileigh, who is basically my family—stood outside of the car in the adjacent parking spots. All doors of the car were open. All hands were either on hips or flying through the air. Unlike the other five people surrounding me, I did not move a muscle. Did not give an inch.

“It’s going to be fine! Get out of the car!”

“You already memorized your speech, just cmon!”

“We’re going to be late!”

“Riley! It’s 600 degrees outside! Let’s go inside!”

“We’re four minutes late.”

My feet were super-glued to the floor of the vehicle. My hands were firmly placed in my lap, rubbing my other fingers quick enough to start a fire. My face was red, it was frozen, it was screwed up, it was staring off, it was not working. I was not working.

We were eight minutes and 34 seconds late.

But it didn’t matter, they were 17 minutes and 37 seconds late, as well.

I didn’t know where to put my hands so they fidgeted between my pockets, my hips, and each other.

I didn't know where to go so I followed Caileigh around like a duckling, and then I squeezed her arm.

“Please don't leave me.”

She told me she had to, I had to go backstage, she had to go get us some seats, I would do great, she would see me in a minute.

She left me.

I stood there. Uncertain.

I forgot my speech. I pulled up the notes section on my phone and started searching for the specific page I had earlier so thoughtfully jotted down my thoughts. Then all I heard was a booming voice come from the speakers above.

Is that God?

“And the creator of our next film and our great friend, Riley, has a few things to say before the viewing!”

I could feel my heart pulsing, getting faster every millisecond, beating my ear drums as of they were metal cylinders with lamb skin stretched over them.

“So give it up for Riley!”

My left foot picked itself up and swung itself in front of me.

My right foot suddenly sprung to life too.

My phone was white knuckle gripped, but later was pocketed.

My face started working again, plastering a big smile that stretched from ear to ear.

The crowd was blocked out by the huge white lights, but I could hear them. Oh, how I could hear them. I could hear them while their faces remained shrouded in the bright white lights. Is this was Heaven feels like?

I found Caileigh and my mom in the audience.

I smiled wider.

I began to speak.

I was on stage.

And people wanted me there.