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Laying in my bed in the dark hoping to have the strength to get up and face the day. Just the idea of it all terrifies me. Every moment I lay there thinking, driving myself deeper into this state of mind. It feels unbreakable. My failure day after day only compounds the thoughts that weigh like bricks keeping me pinned to my pillow. The depression seeps deeper into my mind with every passing day, and it feels like I will be like this forever.
I felt like this nearly every day for years, the weight crushing every little bit of willpower out of me until I felt as if I could do nothing but submit to it. I did not want to be happy, even just the thought of it seemed exhausting. I was like a battery being drawn upon but never feeling as if I could be recharged.
I needed to recharge. I had no capacity for anything anymore, I hated spending time with family. I was so tired of everything, even the things that I found joy in seemed diluted. I felt as if I had lost myself. Day by day the world seemed even grimmer than it had the day before.
One evening I had taken a walk after spending months indoors hiding away from the world. I felt the wind over my skin and my t-shirt, through my hair; the rain pelting my back and face. In that cold, wet evening I found the joy I had been yearning for. I was a 19 year old kid running around in the rain, playing in puddles and laughing like an absolute buffoon. I have no idea as to why but that night the rain striking my face was the only thing I needed. I stayed out until I was drenched and the rain was gone and as I came back into the house sopping wet with the biggest grin on my face; I had broken the momentum that the weight had had on me.
I had found that one tiny stupid reason to be happy and the little shift that made me feel as if it had dropped the weight off me nearly completely. For several days I felt normal again, I was able to do the things I loved doing without the fear of mental exhaustion setting in. I felt as if the fear had simply been washed away. That one moment has stuck with me ever since as the day where everything was okay again. I was genuinely happy, ecstatic even, for a silly little reason like rain.
Of course it did not last, it was only a few days later when I found myself slipped back under that same weight again. But the knowledge that I could get past it, and I did not have to feel like this made it all manageable. Just knowing it could all be okay as long as I allowed myself to heal changed my perspective completely, I knew that everything was going to be alright in the end. I still hurt but everything will be okay, it might not be okay right now but it will be.
There is no miraculous turnaround, no matter what we do we will always have those bad days where it is difficult to do even the most simplistic task. That is okay. No one should ever feel guilty because of their pain. Learning to work through it and allow one's self to heal is becoming one of the most important lessons I could ever hope to share. Just remember no matter how much it hurts right now, it will be okay someday.