Maybe IDK

I'm 25.

Some days (and they seem to be coming more frequent) I look around and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. Life looks much different than the "when I turn 25" dreams my younger and more naive self had. Different how? In every way, except for the fact that I finally turned 25. Sure, that doesn't sound so bad. Life happens, right? Yup. But that's not the part that often sends me into a legit depression. It's this: I don't know what to do now that I am 25 and life doesn't look like what my younger and more naive self dreamt.

Some of my expectations for 25 were that I'd be settled mentally and physically, having accomplished several things such as degree(s), dating relationship moving forward to marriage, good credit, moving into a home, etc. Truth is, and if I be real, I'm far from all of that. All. Of. That. And that's become scary to me. Create new goals? Okay. But... how long do I have to wait for THOSE dreams to come to fruition? And will they ever? Or will I approach 35 with the same unmet expectations as I did 25?

I work a 9 to 5 (more like a 7:00-5:30 Tues-Fri). Good job, just don't see myself retiring there. I'm working on my credit, which is far less than perfect, but I feel like I'm diving deeper into debt just trying to survive. Marriage? Bye. I'm still figuring out how to like and love me well. Home? Refer to my spill on credit. I promise I'm not complaining. Just... putting it out there, I guess. And trying not to be depressed over this stuff anymore...

So, here's what I've come to: Maybe I just don't know. And maybe that's actually okay. I'm having to learn how to give myself grace. I'm having to learn to not have such a firm grip in my mind on the things I think I should have or what my life should look like right now. It's not a bad thing to accept reality as is. I know in our culture we're kinda taught to overlook what is to see what's (hopefully) to come, but hey... it's life. I need to be present in mine.

I will be fine. I am fine. I'm still living and breathing (even though some days it feels like just barely). While I'm accepting reality as is, by embracing it I'm going to make it beautiful. It's crazy how a mess can be made beautiful, huh? I'm sick of making vision boards and writing "name it, claim it" notes. I'm just going to enjoy the journey. 'Cause that's what this life is—a journey, not a destination. I trust that someday I'll look back at how far I've come and smile. Pretty cool that I can do that even now, now that I think about it.

So, yeah. I don't know. And I'm learning to be okay with that.