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Loving Yourself

How to Come to Terms with and Be Proud of Who You Are

By Sam ToomsPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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First thing's first, yes the title to this blog is a little cliché, and I know you're probably preparing yourself for a load of inspirational bull, but normally, I'm not an inspirational person. Judging by the title, you've probably made numerous assumptions about me. Let's clear all this up. No, I'm not a vegan. No, I'm not spiritual, and no, I don't do yoga. All in all I'm a pretty grounded person, but I do love myself, and you should love yourself.

No, I'm not perfect, no one is perfect, but I wouldn't change myself for the world, as the world would be a pretty boring place if everyone was the same. However, there was a time when I looked at myself, and I hated every piece of me. Everyone struggles with their self esteem, whether that be on the outside, like your looks or your body, or if you don't like yourself on the inside, which is what I struggled with. For years I despised who I was, and I wanted to change, because I'm gay and I didn't want anyone to know.

At the age of 12, I knew that I felt differently to everyone else. Everyday, I'd see men and women walking hand in hand. All my family are straight, so I had no gay icons, and at that age I didn't really know where to look. Also, at that age, the word gay was took a lot as an insult, so as soon as I developed these thoughts, I felt like I was in the wrong, almost like I was breaking the law for having these feelings, so I shut it out. Getting home from school, watching TV I would be crushing hard on Jerome from House of Anubis (great show), then, almost like a teacher, I would tell myself off for having these thoughts, and this continued for the next few years.

As I reached around 16, I started realising these feelings were not just going to dissapear. I kept denying to myself that I liked boys, but this just sent me along a dark path. I didn't care how I looked, I never brushed my teeth or made an effort. Covered in spots, and I didn't bother trying to get rid of them, and I just ate everything, becoming quite fat and unhealthy. I was still denying my feelings, and convincing myself I was into girls. Even though I didn't want to know, whenever I saw someone gay on TV, or the topic came up, I'd ask my parent's what they'd do if I was gay?

"I wouldn't be best pleased but I guess I'd have to learn to live with it, and I'd support you," my dad would say, and my Mum would nod in agreement. Even though physically my dad was saying he would be ok with it in the end, I still assumed the worst, and had this idea in my head that he would disown me. As time went on, and I turned 17, I started building up the confidence to admit it to myself. When I finally admitted it to myself, I suffered months of worry and dread. I was in full support of gay rights and everything, I just didn't want to be gay myself. My grades started dropping, and I became very down. I hated myself, and I just wanted to change.

It was time to tell someone, so I told my best friend, and she was so supportive, but I was still down in the dumps. My mum and dad could see the difference in me, so they sat me down and asked me what was up. No way was I ready to tell them, but instead of letting it go, my parents started guessing what it could be.

"Is it your friends?"

"No."

"Is it us, have we done something?"

"No." 500 questions later, they had run out of ideas, except my mum had one last question.

"Is it something to do with your sexuality?" I burst into tears. My mum and dad just knew at that point, and my mum put her arm around me. I confessed that I hated myself for it, and they were shocked. Everything was out at this point, and I felt so vulnerable.

However, after my parents knew, I started allowing myself to sit and admire the boys, without the little voice in my head telling me off for it. I watched numerous videos on YouTube of living life as a gay man. Watching films like Love, Simon and Call Me by Your Name" and finding numerous characters and people that I identified with. I always felt alone, but after reaching out, I realised I was the opposite. I started coming out to more people. My walls started breaking down, and I could finally be myself around everyone. I got to the point where I now look back and think, why was I so down.

The point of this post isn't to be an attention seeker and tell my story, It's to help anyone out there who is struggling. I know this website isn't as popular as others, and it may not reach many of you, but if it reaches just one of you, then I've done a good job.

You should never be ashamed of who you are. Reach out for help from those around you, and become familiar with other people who are going through the same things as you are. We have a wonderful thing called the internet, where, like me, you can simply search, and find help from loads of people. This isn't just for gay people, this is for anyone who feels ashamed of who they are, or puts themselves down. Love yourself, and embrace every aspect of yourself. Embrace your faults, your mistakes, and your looks. Everything you've ever said or done has made you the person you are today. Do I regret waisting years of worrying and hiding, yes. Would I go back and change it? No, because it has made me the person I am today.

So, I doubt anyone is reading this, but if you are, and you feel alone, or scared, or ugly, or anything, just know there are so many other people going through the same thing as you, and once you open up, and start reaching out for help, then you start feeling better. There are 7 billion people on this planet, and not one of them is the same as you. You are unique, and there are so many people out there who love you, so why shouldn't you love yourself?

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