Just when you think that you have finally got it in all the right places. Whether with love, family, jobs, or even financials. Things just have a way of rejecting all your progress—all the good given and all the hard work, just gone. Sometimes I wonder why it always has to be this way. I know out there, in this vast world, so many of us struggle. So why does life have to fight against all of our good? Why does the world work against all of our hard work? Why? So many "whys," but no matter how many times I ask, the world seems to refuse to answer. My life—many lives out there, whether the same or different—contain so many struggles.
Growing up, I used to think about my many "whys." Why does the world hate me? Why does the world reject me? Why can't I fit in? Why am I not popular? Why does my life have to be like this? Why am I not strong? Why am I not confident? Why am I not beautiful? Why me? Why?
In my journey with life, I have learned to just keep holding on—keep fighting. It wasn't easy to push myself through life. So many times I have thought to myself, "just let go." So many countless times I have wanted to just sleep and never wake up again. Sometimes the motivation just isn’t enough.
I used to use my family as motivation to keep moving forward in hopes of a better life, but it seems that that motivation is starting to deteriorate. At that point in life, I felt like my world was becoming colorless. I don't know what to do, but for some reason, I tell myself to keep holding on.
Life—why do you have to make it so hard for me?
No matter how many times I think about it, it repeats. It’s a cycle of thought that continues endlessly in my mind. Should I keep going? It’s better this way, right? Everyone will be happy with or without me. But at the end of my thoughts all I see is my family, my friends. I can’t do this. They won’t be happy. They will cry. That isn’t happiness. If I hold onto life, they will be happy. But what about me?
Will I ever be happy?
Whatever hope I have left in me is telling me to hold on. It's sad—no matter how it ends. Too little hope can hurt, but getting your hopes too high hurts, too. If my hope was a person, she would probably be crying right now. It's so hard to always be hopeful. I know how it hurts. I know how it feels to be let down. I know how it feels to be hopeless. But my heart can't help, but comfort the hope. So, in the end, I guess I have hope, but I am cautious about it too.
I cry inside, knowing that life hurts a lot. I tell myself that I will be happy. I will make happiness. I am happy.
All the motivation that I need right now is here in front of me. All the motivation I need, is me. What else could be a better motivation, but doing it for myself? I deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.
When I make choices, I don’t have to be left out. I am me; I am also a person. I am a part of my choices. My choices are what defines me. My choices are what will make me happy.
Of course, my mind is always thinking. All those "whys" are still here. But no matter how hard life becomes, I will always keep holding on. And so should you.