Leap of Faith?

Like I said in my first post, I embarked myself on this journey earlier this year. I left everything behind. No plans. No expectations. But it was pretty clear to me I was not going back to where I came from.

Somewhere along the way, I figured it would be a good idea to stay in this new place for a bit more than just a few months. There is a lot more to learn here than where I was before. The city is a melting pot of cultures from all over the world. I feel more at home here than I ever did in the city I come from.

So, why not? Little old me, being naive and ignorant as I am, figured I should try settling in this new city. Starting all over again. I still have no certainty other than I still have a plane ticket back home. I only have so much money and my time is running out here. I already spent a lot to get here, to stay here, and to gather all the required documents to apply for residency. Everyone who knows this story and knows a little bit about me keeps telling me how brave I am. How jealous they are they didn't do what I'm doing when they had the chance. They keep praising all these "talents" and "virtues" they see in me. But I still don't know.

Maybe I was raised to doubt myself? Maybe I'm terrified of losing it all and having to go back? Maybe I'm scared of defeat? Fear being the keyword here. That much I do know. And I also know paying attention to fear only makes it manifest into my life, right? But, what if the only thing I ever learned going up was to worry? I mean, who wouldn't be scared of losing everything they ever had? After all I've had to go through to get it?

Wouldn't you be scared, too? And add into the mix the fact that I have no one here. No family or friends. Not a soul to talk to and vent? It's been a struggle. Not to say that I've had a hard life, because I have been very privileged. But one of the other things I learned growing up is making do. I have been doing just that since I came here.

And I'm so sorry if none of this makes any sense. Like, I've just been typing whatever comes into my mind. But my mind is in utter chaos. I don't know whether I should keep pursuing this goal and stick with it, whatever comes? Or should I desist and try again later, when I'm better prepared? But I've waited almost 30 years to leave. So, what better chance than now, right?

I have always had clothes, food and shelter and a loving family. I have never been in need. Also, I have a good set of friends back home who wish nothing but the best for me. So I am certain I will have all my needs met. But I had never been all on my own like this before. So, both factors together are extremely intimidating. It's really hard to keep faith under those circumstances.

But then I keep thinking of all these opportunities being here brings. How much better my life will be when I'm finally starting to recover from this time of trial. The rewards do seem way more promising than sticking to whatever little I have left. It gives me the strength to keep believing. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Right? So, I guess I'll become damn near to superman in strength after all of this is over.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let out all these fears and self-doubt. Had to keep a clear mind in order to make room for the promise of replenishment to come to fruition. I still believe the Universe will give me all I could possibly need, in gratuitous amounts. And I will be fine. I like to think of it as though the amount of trouble and trepidation will be directly proportional to the size of the rewards to be reaped afterwards. After all, all those people can't be wrong, can they? I must learn to value my own gifts.

So I'll just keep playing this one song in my head by a lady whose music has helped me through many times of trouble; a woman I admire very much, whom I believe to be very talented.

I Will Be

Christina Aguilera

Produced by Rob Hoffman & Heather Holley

Album Stripped

The world seems so cold

When I face so much all alone

A little scared to move on

And knowing how fast I have grown

And I wonder just where I fit in

Oh, the vision of life in my head

Oh, yes

I will be strong on my own

I will see through the rain

I will find my way

I will keep on

Traveling this road

'Til I finally reach my dream

'Til I'm living, and I'm breathing

My destiny

I can't let go now

Even when darkness surrounds

But if I hold on, yeah

I will show the world

All the things that you never expected to see

From little old me, this Pittsburgh girl

And I wonder just where my place is

Close my eyes and I remind myself this

I will be strong on my own

I will see through the rain

I will find my way

I will keep on

Traveling this road

'Til I finally reach my dream

'Til I'm living, and I'm breathing

My destiny,

It comforts me

Ooh, it keeps me

Alive each day of my life

Always guiding me, providing me

With the hope I desperately need

Well, I gotta believe

There's something out there meant for me

Oh, I get on my knees

Praying I will receive

The courage to grow and the faith to know

I will be strong on my own

I will see through the rain

I will find my way

I will keep on

Traveling this road

'Til I finally reach my dream

'Til I'm living, and I'm breathing

My destiny.