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Today started out as a really good day. Most of them do. If you wake up and tell yourself "it's going to be a great day," you can normally stay in that mindset pretty easily. And I was doing a really good job. I did pretty well on my first quiz of the semester, I got a lot of notes done, I finished my PowerPoint to present to a couple classes about my Disney program, and my advisor told me she was proud of me for all I was able to accomplish. I even finalized my plan of study for graduation (one step closer, yay!), and I registered for my senior portraits. I had fun at the recruitment event for my sorority, and I even enjoyed chapter a lot. Everyone was laughing and making jokes tonight, and it was a really lighthearted, fun hour. The drive home wasn't bad, I called one of my friends from Florida and had a great time catching up with her. And then I got home and watched TV with my parents.
I went to bed. That's my problem. I sat down, telling myself it was time for bed, but of course, my mind had other thoughts. My mind decided to start wondering, questioning, and second-guessing. It loves to do this when things seem to be going amazing.
Graduating from college and moving back to Florida are my main thoughts these days. I cannot wait to have that diploma in my hand, that cap on my head, and that car loaded up. I was happier in Florida. The sun was always shining, and it didn't get dark and dreary. I ALWAYS had company, and I never had time to sit and think I wasn't good enough because I got praise all the time. My leaders reminded me when I was doing a great job and my coworkers would always encourage me. Now that I'm back home, everything feels like a competition. Everyone is fighting for that seat in vet school, or that master's program, or even that farm manager job. It's not okay to be great here, you have to be the best. And I don't mean this in a self-degrading way, but I'm not the best. I'm great, don't get me wrong. I'm really good at the things I like to do. I put my best foot forward, and often times, that's a really impressive step. But it's not the best, and I know that. I don't have a 4.0 and I don't have years of experience in a vet office. But I do the best that I can personally do, and that's all I can ask of myself.
So all in all, today turned into a bad day. And it's hard to remember sometimes, but I have to remind myself that it's just a bad day, not a bad life. Sure, I'm sitting in bed, at 1 AM, really bummed about what is going on in my life right now, but one of my favorite song lyrics from what of my favorite artists is reminding me "in the end it's all okay, and if it's not okay, it's not the end." Life has this funny way of working out, and sometimes it's hard to see it that way until it finally does work out. Waiting games suck, I'm doing it right now. Not only waiting for the good days to stay good days but waiting for things to fall into place. But I have a lot going for me and good things come to those who wait. Being patient is hard, and honestly, that's what makes me think a bunch. That's what turns my good days into bad days, convincing myself that just because things don't happen immediately means they won't happen at all. But that isn't true. I've waited for plenty of things, probably hating the wait the entire time, and they always turned out fine in the end. Sometimes, even better than fine.
Tomorrow, or should I say this morning, when I wake up, I'm going to do the same thing I do every morning. I'm going to tell myself "today is going to be a great day," and I'm going to make it a great day. And if it turns into a bad day, so what? It's just a bad day, it's not a bad life.