At the age of twelve, I never thought I would make it as far as I did. Being the child who loved to help others, never did I think that I would be the one who ended up abused, hurt, torn, and still be strong enough to go on with their life. But here I am at the age of 20 still standing, walking, breathing, and living.
No I'm not here to let you hear how sad and broken I was, I'm here to help you understand that someone around you may be struggling, and that if you are the person, and you're reading this, I just wanna remind you that it's a bad time, not a bad life.
I was 12 years old when diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I bet you're wondering what problems does a 12 year old have to worry about?
Well for starters I was raped at the age of 12.
It took a piece of my heart, I think that's safe to say. I was abused verbally and physically not knowing who to turn to. I made it define me as a person, changed the way I viewed people, and I even blamed myself for what had happened. I did not eat, sleep, or even talk to anyone. It took two years before telling someone about what happened. Even when I did at the age of 14, I had others try to convince me that it was consensual. My biggest fear of all was knowing that telling someone would mean that everyone finds out.
What made it even worse was knowing that the person who did this was out smiling, laughing, and was so happy, all because they were under the impression that I made them do it.
They sent me to therapy for about a year and a half and then diagnosed me with anxiety and depression, which honestly I thought I handled pretty well. But like anyone, there were good days and bad. I self harmed, I lashed out, but the only thing that kept me calm was writing. It helped me figure out how I was feeling and what I can do to make this bad day a good one.
At the age of 17, I met someone a lot older than me. I was in a dark place trying to figure out where I was gonna go with my life. This person took advantage at the fact that I was young, broken, and vulnerable. He used me for everything I had.
Sex, money, time, and even my family.
I gave up everything and even disrespected my family and dropped out of school for the sake of him, thinking that he was what was best for me. Little did I know that he just wanted to drain me of everything I had to build himself back up.
Until the day came where he walked out of my life like I was nothing.
For a year and a half, everything I had was given to another person hoping that I could fill that empty void inside me.
I think its safe to say I gave him my all just for him to fill that one piece of me. With him leaving, it left me feeling like I was worthless; like I meant nothing, to anyone. At that point, all I had was myself and my mom to fall back on and pick up. Throughout this process, my mom never really gave up on me. She tried her best to be there for me even after I pushed her out.
I ended up overdosing at 18 thinking that everyone's life would be better off without me in it. My family was not speaking to me, I lost all my friends, the person I thought was special turned out to be just toxic. Little did I know that I was using a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It took being broken for so long to realize that you cannot help another person, until you can help yourself.
It's been two years since my overdose, and each and every day I realize more and more as to why I am here.
No matter how alone you feel, you need to realize that you're not.
It may take years before you realize it but I promise you are not alone.
No matter what you go through, someone understands, someone had been through it, and someone has survived. But there is a reason why you're here. It may not seem like there is right now, but one day you will see it.
I had eight dark, toxic, abusive, numb years...and here I am today, 20 years old, graduating college, working an amazing job, enjoy every moment with the love of my life and still going.
I know and understand that everyone handles things differently, but I just want to be able to show you that there is a way to get past these dark times. If you keep looking back at what broke you, you will let yourself become that and will never be able to move forward.
Anxiety and depression are like a virus; if you do not fight it from the inside to help yourself, you will let it take over you. No matter how much that little voice in your head says you can't, always remember that the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Always remember: It's a bad time, not a bad life, and it's never too late to talk to someone.