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If You're Stuck, Read This

For the "Not Unhappy"

By looperPublished 6 years ago 9 min read
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Taken in Chicago

Yesterday, I felt like I couldn't get out of bed, so I didn't. Today was different. Today my eyes fluttered open and I immediately thought of a bagel, egg, and cheese sandwich. I was able to pop right up. But yesterday, not so much.

I've grown familiar with the feeling; maybe you have too. A spout of depression hiding behind the guise of idleness. The discouraging blankness in the day ahead. Laying in bed, trying not to think about how this wasn't exactly where you wanted to be at this point in your life. It's uncomfortable, isn't it? Admitting to yourself that you're not exactly...happy? You're not unhappy, but you're not happy. You find yourself reaching for your laptop and looking at apartments on the West Coast on Craigslist. "No... we've been through this before, you just need to wait it out."

Fret not, you're not alone. The first thing you need to understand: you're never alone. You're in your twenties, maybe early thirties, maybe you're 19. Maybe you dropped out of college. Maybe you finished. Maybe you didn't even apply because you believed them when they said it wasn't worth it; I don't blame you. You're a barista instead, or a bartender, or — WAIT FOR IT — a server. Maybe you have a superiority complex that landed you an artificial secretary job... same thing. You wonder at the people sitting in the restaurant on their lunch break. You wonder about the woman that smiled at you when you handed her the latté you're being paid slightly over minimum wage (plus tips) to make. She drops her change in the tip jar. You wonder briefly if she's happy. You wonder if they're happy. You wonder about their regrets. Then, for the billionth time today, standing at a counter in an emptying cafe, you remember your regrets.

You wonder what latté woman thought when she saw you. Maybe she thinks you're happy. Nothing like a good shift in perspective, huh? Maybe she admires your simplicity. Maybe she's not entirely wrong, and you should try to admire your own simplicity. You have friends waiting for you to get off so you can go downtown and drink for someone's birthday. You and your coworker play tic-tac-toe at the host stand when it's quiet. Maybe you have a boyfriend or girlfriend that wants you to get off early so you can go have dinner at their parent’s house upstate. The same old stuff, isn't it nice? No surprises, nothing to be afraid of.

But that's just it, isn't it? It's the same...old...stuff. You distantly remember being a senior in high school, feeling a heat in your blood for the prospect of freedom and its closeness. "Where did that go?" you ask yourself while staring blankly at the specials board. You had no idea that this is what freedom would look like for you. So, some days, it's hard to get out of bed, because you had no idea this would be your life.

If you feel perplexed, like I'm sort of describing you, but not, then you're lucky. I guess you're more existentially fit than I am. You have no regrets. You have the utmost patience with yourself. You're confident and 100% happy with the decisions you've made. From where you're standing, life is grand and has never ceased to be ever since you were a seven-pound chunk of screaming, blinding positivity in your poor mother's arms. Go ahead and stop reading then, Chunk.

It's possible it wasn't entirely your fault. It's called misfortune. I feel it was dealt, at one point or another, to most of us. Maybe no one's apologized for it. Maybe there's no one to apologize for it. If so, I'm sorry. Really, I am. If I could, I'd take your face in my hands and tell you that you're right, it's not fair. You didn't deserve any of it. So tempting it can be, to wade back into the ocean of our pain, of our loss. So stimulating it can feel to cry and scream, to call to attention those who have hurt us, left us, ignored us... but there comes a time where you can't just keep indulging yourself. That's called moving on.

If, however, the past is what's keeping you from getting out of bed in the morning, you can stop reading: you need to talk to someone. Maybe there was no one around to grieve for you, so you just kept moving forward without a thought. If that's the case, you need time to grieve for yourself. It's not self-pity, it's self-care.

taken in Chicago

Anyways, however devastating it may feel, there's got to be a way past it. Something's gotta give. Maybe, like me, you’ve prided yourself in being a cynic your whole life. That needs to change, or, at least a little. If you don't start believing, maybe stupidly, that everything is going to work out in the end, how could it? As a child, when there was a storm, your mother would calmly tell you everything's going to be okay, whether she knew it or not. Learn to be your own mother. Something's gotta give, everything will work out.

Maybe you're thinking "duh," maybe you've always been sure. Maybe you're just a little lost, or even worse, stuck. Maybe you're not even working a restaurant job. Maybe you finished school with flying colors and launched yourself immediately into the full-blown career that you've been waiting for. You have paid vacations and health benefits, but still, you can't rise above the feeling that there's something more, or something else.

Recognize that, contextually, you haven't done too bad thus far. Actually, you've done a great job. You have an apartment. You're making car payments and fixing your credit score. Maybe you're still on your dad's phone bill, but you're doing well and he doesn't mind at all. Technically, if you had to, you could go on living this way and be just fine; financially secure and stable. Realize, wherever you are, that maybe it's not so bad. Maybe it's just a step to get to where you're supposed to be. You don't have to rush. There's a reason you always find click-bait on Facebook for articles listing successful people and their wanderings. You know, that list of people that didn't fulfill their destinies until their 30's, J.K. Rowling's Wikipedia page, the Business Insider articles. Winfrey quoted, “I had no idea what I was in for or that this was going to be the greatest growing period of my adult life. It shook me to my very core, and I didn’t even know at the time that I was being shaken.” Whatever it takes to remind yourself that you're on your own journey; there's no possible way you could be going too slow or too fast. Do it. It's corny and blatantly optimistic, but do it. Personally, I like to research touring musicians and see what they attended college for, if they attended at all. It helps put my mind at ease when I convince myself I should have gone back to college, like, yesterday. There's an ambient musician I love. She's in her 30's now, but she went to school for photography. Crisis averted.

Taken in NYC

Maybe you're lost or stuck because you thought this was what you wanted to do. Maybe you pursued something safe to help set your "real" life up for success. Maybe that office job isn't working out how you thought it would. You've convinced yourself it's too late to jump ship. Maybe it is too late, but it's never too early either. Remember being a senior? Remember being scared? You should see the opportunity to relive that time of uncertainty and rebirth as a blessing.

Maybe you'll find that to get yourself un-lost, you should actually, physically lose yourself. That Pinterest board you have of vacation destinations? Dare I say it: print it out, but not just for a vacation. One-way tickets only, people. Don't talk to me about how a one-week vacation in a four-star hotel in Costa Rica changed you. Quit lying. This isn't going to always be fun. How are you going to adjust your perspective if nothing really changes. Make yourself uncomfortable with a language barrier. Sleep on your friend's floor. Find a farm to work on. Live out of a suitcase. Ask a motel if you they'll house you for employment. Live humbly, quietly, but for once, live for yourself. Stop wearing makeup, or maybe start. Stop trying to please others. You don't have to leave the country if you don't want to, but fight homesickness. Let yourself feel lonely, in fact, welcome the feeling with open arms. Find purpose in yourself. Stretch. Cook. Anything. Just please, get lost without any expectation or pressure to be found. It's possible you won't like it. Maybe somedays you'll wake up to stare at the wall for an hour, but regardless, when you've truly immersed yourself into your new environment, when you aren't paying close attention, something will change; you'll change. You'll grow.

Taken in Canada

But maybe you're stuck. Maybe, for whatever reason, your current situation feels inescapable. If you were to come to me about it, I'd try my best to convince you that it's never inescapable. But still, I've been there. Working that serving job that's the closest resemblance you've ever found to pushing the boulder up the hill, just to have it roll back down again. Gaining (or losing) weight. Hiding from friends who seem to have it all. Hiding from yourself. "You're not unhappy," you tell yourself, "I'm just...stuck" and then the lethal "I just have to wait it out." Okay, maybe, there's a sliver of a chance that the only thing you can really do is wait it out, wait for another opportunity to open up, but I severely doubt it. It took me eight months to realize something had to change; it should've taken me a week. I should have screamed at my manager more, gotten myself fired, found someone to sublease my apartment. I should've cried to my friends more, tried to pull them down with me, only for them to pull their limbs from my grasp and slap me across the face. They'd yell that they have their own lives to live, no can fix me. No one can make me happy. No one, besides me, that is.

But instead, for eight months, I deteriorated silently. I missed holidays with my family and obsessively brushed my hair, telling myself I just needed to wait it out. In May, after I lived through the biggest waste of a year in my life, I moved to Alaska for the summer with my friends. When they left to go back to college, I stayed, by myself. I loved the air, the colors, the people and their passions. I let up on my nicotine habit without noticing. I started doing yoga, a practice unheard of for cynics. In silence, in isolation, I healed, and it left me thinking, "if only I had known back then."

Open your daydreams, what do you really want? Maybe you're stuck right now, but you're not alone. Maybe getting out of bed is hard somedays, but you're not alone. Maybe this is just a necessary step that needs to be taken to get to where you're going. Maybe it feels slow, but compared to what? Someone else's life? If nothing else, let yourself believe that you'll be okay, you're not alone. Someday you'll get yourself out of this, whatever it is. For now, if you can't get out of bed, take the day off. Light a candle and turn on some music, close your eyes, and let yourself dream.

Taken in Alaska

happiness
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About the Creator

looper

art school drop out, nomadic waitress, closeted ambient musician/looper, addicted reader, unconvinced writer, quiet observer, self-proclaimed photographer, afraid of the phrase "avant-garde" but it is so, cynical yogi, endless lover

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