I Have a Burning Fire in My Belly and Heart and It's Killing Me and Keeping Me Alive at the Same Time

If my world was on fire, I wouldn't know because every day is a California wildfire in my eyes. Every day is ticking. Time is a ticking. I'm getting older and I have big pipe dreams and...

No skill set whatsoever.

Do any of you guys have this? Where you have big dreams and stuff that you try out and then they never work no matter how hard or how much or long or whatever—you try? Yeah. That's me. That's my life. I never seem to be as talented as I'd like to be in this or I never seem to get things for too too long. Like, it takes me 1,000 years just to master some *tiny* skill set that everyone around me has already mastered and has moved onto.

I've talked about this before in my other posts, but I just...really...am not good at anything. I'm not great at anything, at the very least. It's not an attention-seeking pity party, it's #hardtruthwithLo. And what bothers me is that I have the opportunity and potential to be great at something, but I can never seem to get to the next level with any of my hobbies, loves, or basic life skills. I always start something, try it out to see if I'm good at it and if within the first six months I'm not good at that something; I drop it and move on because it's not worth my time or energy, in my eyes. The longest running hobby that I've had is probably photography, surfing, writing, and then professional veggie eating. Yep. That's me. Pro-veggie eater. That's all I'm good at.

I just wonder what it takes to get to the next level of something. I know it takes work, but I feel like the level of work it takes me to even have an ounce of beginner's luck that everyone else has is atrocious. I feel like I put in so much work and I never get results or rewards. I feel like everyone else has these hobbies that are equally their talents and—if I'm honest—I'm jealous of. Dudes and dudettes, I wish I was as good at surfing as the groms, friends, and literally every kook out there next to me in the lineup. I feel like right now, I'm so kook that I should just go home. I feel like I don't even deserve a foam top. And it's extremely frustrating because I know it's in my head somewhere! I know that that knowledge is in there somewhere because when I'm out in the water, my brain is still narrating to me what I should do. I knew how to do this seven months ago and now it's just—gone. But I still feel it in my soul and in my head that that knowledge and talent is in me, somewhere.

My head is playing games with me and it's not cool. I'm scared of things, hesitant to do ballsy moves because I'm—afraid. I suppose. I'm afraid to do certain things anymore because I know that it means more time out of the water. And I don't want to be any more sidetracked than I am now. I have dreams. I have a fire burning in my belly and in my soul to do and be and begreat and I'm trying to feed that fire but that fire is also fury. Raw. Fury. And it's also killing me at the same time. I know that I should just relax about it and maybe it will come my way but I've done that and it doesn't seem to work, so I'm trying a new approach and hoping on a lucky star that it works. I mean, I'm working for the goal too, but I have to pray to the Universe as well. I'm only human.

xx

-lo