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I Don't Want to Wake Up Most Days

I sit and think of all the things I could be doing wrong, who could hate me, afraid of life and everything in it .

There are some days I don't believe I can wake up. Some days I don't know if I want to move forward, if I can even get my feet on the floor. Some days I'm too afraid of the world to want to open my eyes. I am afraid of the empty feeling that lingers whenever I awake from my dreams. 

I hear my baby crying, and I think about how she'd be better with someone else, maybe anyone else. I feel like some days I did her a disservice by giving her the life I have so far. I had a plan for how life would go to this point, and so far my life looks nothing like my plan. Sometimes I don't want to look in the mirror, I hate what I see.  I cant look myself in the eye, I hate to look at the person in there because it's an empty stranger. I am full of scars, and sadness, I feel so empty. I think all day about finding who I am, so that my baby can see what a strong independent woman is and become one as well. I want what is best for everyone in my life and to give them all I can. I try through out the day to give as much as I can and keep a smile on my face while doing so.   But at night while my daughter sleeps I watch her breathing silhouette, and I cry. I don't know what I am doing, I don't know if what I'm doing is best. I don't know if everything will he okay in the long run. I don't know who I ever was because I didn't have the childhood to become someone my childhood was tainted with depression from far too young an age before I was able to develop. What i do know is I want to keep her from this feeling as best I can. It's so tiring, it's the hardest thing to not know if your choices will damage the ones you love. I sit alone most nights ridden with anxiety. Wondering if I am a good mother, daughter, sister, friend. What if I deserve the things that come about in my life? Why am I the way I am? Why can't I be better, be different somehow? Why do I always feel so alone? Why am I so disconnected from the world? Do I even belong here? But every day I remind myself that it matters most that you are there. That you are present emotionally, and physically even though you're not perfect. What matters is that you do your best every day to your power, to give the best you can to the people who you love, as well as take time each day for yourself to grow as a human. As cliche as it seems your situation truly is not who you are and you can get past the situational things, what matters is that you take care of yourself emotionally, with out that you won't have confidence or motivation to push for what's best for yourself or anyone else in your life. You can't pour from an empty cup.  Don't beat yourself up too much. You're doing the best you can. You are growing through struggle.

Push forward. Make a conscience choice to learn and grow every morning. Love your life, it's all about perspective. 💛 

Sometimes I don't believe I can get out of bed. I hear my baby crying, and  I don't always want to get up but I do. I walk to the mirror. Think in my mind, "You are smart, you are strong, you are beautiful. You belong here. You got this. "

Get up, get out of bed, look in the mirror. Love your flaws and all. You've got this. Today will be better, and you will be better. If I know anything, it is that we are only given as much as we can handle in life. What ever we are dealt is because we are strong enough to go through it. What ever is going on will pass. You will recover. You will learn to love yourself again. You will learn to love life again. Just believe that you can and do it, even if you feel you can't push forward. 

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