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I Am Learning to Love Myself

And I Am Doing It Because I Chose To

By IrisPublished 6 years ago 8 min read
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In the wake of a negative and toxic relationship, I was left shattered and a shell of a woman. I was at an all-time low, even though I had been through worse before.

It was the end of my senior year of high school, and I was undergoing more stress than I thought I was equipped to handle at the time. My boyfriend was my entire support system because of a growing distance between myself and my parents and the lack of support from people I thought were my friends at the time. It had to have been killing him. I understand that, emotionally, I was a lot to handle. I have had a very difficult human experience in my nineteen years and high school was the peak of my inability to handle it. Everyone knows it — something about high school just psychologically burns you out. Even the honors students are suffering. I should know, as I was one of them. I went to the International Science and Engineering Fair twice out of four years and took fourth place my senior year. I took countless concurrent enrollment and AP classes and worked a full-time job. I was not happy, as much as I wanted to be.

My boyfriend, though I didn't realize at the time, was my main cause of unhappiness. We were two fundamentally different people, and I had to sacrifice a lot of the person I was to make our relationship functional. It went far past the point of compromise — he would not budge and I was bending over backwards trying to make him love me like he used to. I wanted to have his baby because I thought it was going to make him love me again.

In short, I met somebody else — the man I am with today. Breaking up with my boyfriend was still one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We had been together for three years, and I had invested a lot of time, money, and energy into the relationship. I had become so much a part of our relationship that I didn't know who I was without him. I felt so entrenched in his life that I was unsure if I would be able to separate from him and start all over again. My current boyfriend was incredibly patient and kind through all of this, and understood when I told him I needed time to find myself before we could be together.

It wasn't that I fell in love with somebody else — it was that I met somebody who made me realize I could be loved as I was, and I wanted that. I wanted to be loved, and to be a strong woman. My ex-boyfriend never allowed me the autonomy to become as independent and strong-willed as I am now.

After I broke up with my boyfriend, I didn't know what to do. We swore to stay friends, and we didn't make too many changes all at once. The first few weeks I cried often, and thought about going back on my decision. I remember driving home from a concert with my best friend and suddenly bursting into tears for no reason. I felt alone in the world, even though I had my best friend and the man who would become my new boyfriend. I felt stripped of everything I had. I felt as though the boy I had dated for three years had taken everything from me. He was everywhere I looked. He was in my clothes and in the air. He was in my car and my music and my dreams. I couldn't get rid of him, as hard as I tried.

I went shopping. This honestly sounds really dumb — but there were a lot of things my boyfriend and I disagreed on about my clothing and I realized I wanted to dress like myself instead of dressing like his girlfriend. I bought a new jumpsuit that I looked great in. He hated jeans with holes so I bought two new pairs. I bought a sleeveless dress I have to wear braless. I bought two crop tops. I started to wear these clothes and I started to feel better.

I got a tattoo. It's just a little one, the constellation Cassiopeia on the back of my right shoulder, but it has significant meaning to the connection between my baby brother and I. My ex also hated tattoos, and made me promise against my will that I would never get one, even though I really wanted them. It sounds dumb, again, but he made me feel like I was a bad girlfriend if I didn't agree with him about these things and let him be in control.

I began to take a yoga class over the summer because I knew I needed something to distract myself. The teachings about chakras and balance, both physical and mental, were the lessons that really began to stick for me. I loved yoga as a form of exercise, but the positive psychological effects I was seeing and the closeness I felt with my body were really what I needed at that time. I had always been afraid of my body until I took yoga. I had been taught, as I believe many women are, from a young age, that my body is delicate and fragile and inherently impure.

Yoga taught me that I am strong. My body is not wrong. My body is a forest and it will not move.

I started to do things by myself that I used to be afraid to do. I would eat alone in public, go to movies alone, and spend more time by myself. I used to be afraid to be alone, even in my own house. I don't know why, but I felt like it meant that I was unlovable. I grew more confident and comfortable, and after a few months, asked my current boyfriend on a date.

I found out over that summer that I was suffering from hyperthyroidism — the overproduction of the thyroid hormone caused by an enlarged thyroid. The maximum healthy thyroid level for a human being is a 6.25. Mine? 73. Not 7.3. Seventy-three. Eleven times the healthy maximum. The hyperactivity of my thyroid was affecting my mood, my sleep, causing me to be agitated all the time, and was robbing me of energy, regardless of how much I slept. At first my parents thought it was depression, until one day I woke up five hours late for work. I have never had issues waking up on time my entire life, and in the time I've worked for my company I have been ten minutes early for every shift. My employers were worried about me and I went to see a doctor. Not only was I suffering from hyperthyroidism, I was also extremely vitamin deficient. A couple months after beginning the medication they gave me I was feeling much better.

My first semester of college, I took a few English and communications classes. I was just trying to finish up my generals, since I had done a large quantity of my college credits in high school. One of the classes I took was English 2270: Intro to Writing Poetry. I had always loved writing and felt especially inclined to write poetry. I had stopped writing in the years I was with my ex-boyfriend because he didn't like the fact that so many of my poems were sad in subject matter.

In that class, I really found my niche. People were responding well to what I was writing, and I started to read my work at open mic nights and poetry readings. My professor was incredible and inspiring and continues to work with me to this day on my portfolio. I am currently assembling a chapbook I hope to have published in the next year.

I became far more confident—I got promoted at work, bought a new(er) car, and started pulling my life back together.

Since I broke up with my ex, I learned that I am me for a reason. I have been applying for higher-level positions with other companies, not because I want to leave my job, but because I want to see what other opportunities are out there for me. I am moving to Boston this summer with my boyfriend, and I am becoming a more recognized writer. I am charging head-on into the business administration world, and I even got a wardrobe of "grown-up clothes" for when I have to work in a more professional environment.

I want to say that my ex is not a bad person. He was just bad for me, and he needed things out of our relationship that I was unable to provide him. I needed things, too, that he could not give me. I learned a lot of lessons from dating him, and I will always appreciate his part in my life. After a very rocky year, we have remained friends, and are both dating different people now. He seems to be much better for her than he was for me.

I am learning to love myself because I made the decision that I didn't want anyone else to determine how I felt about my mind and body anymore. After years of dealing with an external locus of identity, I realized that you can never have something you don't ask for in life. You can never love yourself if you don't choose to. I believe wholeheartedly that I will succeed in my goals, because I know I am driven and can accomplish anything I set out to do. I know it is cliche, but the minute I started to believe in myself my life changed. Yes, the end of high school played a role — college is so much better than high school — but ultimately, it was my decision to be happy that made me the person I am today.

I am in charge of how I feel.

Today I am choosing happiness.

happiness
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About the Creator

Iris

Writer - Musician - Businesswoman - Astronaut

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