How to Know If You're in the Midst of a Spiritual Awakening

I can't explain it too well, but I had feelings leading up to that moment—feelings as though a big change would happen soon. Almost as if a new person was going to be born, or that I would change immensely. And I did!

I dealt with a lot that day in my local Starbucks (you got me... fly the "basic white girl" flags now!) when I picked up my drink. Teenage girls chatting in the corner about boys, older women screaming at students behind the counter to warm up their pumpkin bread, tired mothers complaining about soy milk... I had a full-throttle panic attack standing there, and I went to my car for a good cry. Dealing with anxiety since childhood, I've historically not enjoyed chaotic places.

I found myself getting angry at other people for... existing? The first thing I did was call my boyfriend, and tell him about everything I had just seen, and he reassured me that I was okay. I thought it was an emotional outburst, but as the day went on, I couldn't shake the feelings. It was only one other time where I got so passionate about this sort of thing. I was getting angry over something in politics (the only time I watch anything in politics) and I lamented to my boyfriend,

"You're a human, I'm a human. Love should always come first. People are everything."

He told me that everything I said was very Christian, which prompted me to start thinking about my faith, and perhaps a sort of guidance that would help me with my problems. But the point is that those sort of emotions came up again in the car while I was crying. Suddenly I felt alone, as if no one thought the same way I did, and that my life meant nothing. What do I do if can't grab society by the ear and tell it my truth? Shout it from the mountaintops? Please, everyone, listen! Find it in your hearts! Love comes first! I am here, I am here, I am here!

And don't you think it's a horrible feeling to want to say something so bad that's on the tip of your tongue? It's right there, I swear! Just give me a moment to think about it! Suddenly I felt like nothing I did mattered. There was something missing, and it was up to me to find it.

I became frustrated with a lot of things, and actually made a lot of changes. I came home angry at my bedroom—too much clutter. Why all this stuff? I scoffed at Instagram and Snapchat and Facebook... all of which I just decided to delete. And why FaceTune? Why all this superficiality?

"Get rid of it all!" I said, "And start over!"

Start over. If you don't like the life you are in right now, re-do it. Make big changes. And for me, they were BIG. It was almost as if my opinion spun 180 degrees and fell off the cliff as a result. I was a new person with new ideas. This seemed exciting to me, but overwhelming. I was always that girl who took too many pictures of herself, and had to ask a friend's opinion about a caption. And also the girl who saved up paychecks to buy a new designer bag, or even judge other women for what they had! Of course I admit it. Part of a rebirth is accepting the past.

Suddenly I didn't care about any of that? Was I even myself? I guess that might have been a good thing. There was a new part of me that opened up and wanted more. Has this ever happened to you? You switch opinions about yourself, and others? Your whole day-to-day begs for substance? You want more?