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How to Forgive Someone You Hate

science-proven steps to letting go and moving forward

By Emily StroiaPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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If you ask a room full of strangers what forgiveness means to them, you will hear a diverse collective of replies.

"Letting go and moving on""Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die""Peace of mind""Letting go of the anger"

It got me thinking…

We have a pretty abstract concept of what forgiveness is.

We know what the self-help & woo-woo industries tell us to do.

But what does science have to say about it?

For years I struggled with forgiving my father who sexually abused me. I struggled with anger, resentment and forgiveness.

It was a hard to conceptualize forgiving someone who violated me so I held onto to anger and rage instead.

This is pretty common among abuse survivors.

I did all the things from meditation, hypnosis, to writing him a letter and still couldn't find forgiveness.

It was only very recently that I was able to forgive him through an intense trauma-therapy.

But for those of us struggling to find forgiveness, what do you do when all the tools we are suggested to practice fail us?

How do you forgive a murderer? Or the person who abused you? Or the person who hurt you?

After realizing that I felt uneducated on the topic of forgiveness I decided to do some research on it and this is what I found:

A science-based guide to forgiveness.

Everett Worthington, leader in the field of forgiveness research and commonwealth professor emeritus at Virginia Commonwealth University, defines forgiveness as a virtue.

After spending years researching forgiveness, he was put through the ultimate test of forgiveness after his mother was murdered in 1996.

In his work he developed the REACH forgiveness model which highlights 5 steps to finding forgiveness.

Through this model he was able to forgive the murderer "quite quickly."

Not all of us will experience this type of tragedy such as a family member being murdered but becoming a more forgiving person can be of great benefit to us.

Research shows there are significant health benefits to practicing forgiveness that improve not only our psychological but physical health.

What is the true definition of forgiveness?

"Forgiveness is not just letting go and moving on but going a step further offering something positive towards the person who hurt you such as empathy, compassion and understanding." - Bob Enright, a pioneer in the field of forgiveness research

Forgiveness isn't about justice, or making excuses for what the person did to you.

It isn't about reconciliation either.

I wouldn't go and compromise my safety to reconcile with my father who is still abusive to this day.

We don't have to be in relationships with the people who hurt us even if we forgive them, especially if they still pose a threat to our well-being.

It isn't about letting go and moving on if you are avoiding the past and not integrating it into the whole story of you.

It is integrating the story into your life in a way that doesn't hold power over your identity anymore.

When we forgive our self-esteem can increase bringing us more confidence.

We can look at our pain and the person who hurt us and see ourselves in a new light.

So how do we reach forgiveness?

Worthington created the REACH forgiveness model —a five step process to finding forgiveness faster and easier.

If we practice these steps we can shift our view of the story into something more objective and find healing.

1. R- Recall the hurt as objectively as possible.

Worthington describes this process as telling the story of what happened to you outside of the perpetrator's badness, your victimization or the consequences it had.

2. E- Empathize with the people who hurt you.

Sometimes it can be hard to empathize with the person who hurt you so perhaps try to sympathize with the perpetrator.

Worthington suggests a time when considering a time when you hurt someone and how you felt before, during and after.

By allowing ourselves to experience empathy, compassion or sympathy towards the person who hurt us it lessens the negative feelings of unforgiveness.

3. A- Give an altruistic gift of forgiveness.

Making an altruistic (unselfish) gesture of forgiveness reminds us that we also are not perfect, that we all are capable of hurting each other and also need forgiveness.

4. C- Commit to the forgiveness you are giving.

Share and write about much you forgave emotionally and how that feels.

For example, I forgive my father for sexually abusing me.

As I write about it I feel a sense of relief and compassion for him. I also feel a lightness of being and relief from carrying around the resentment all these years.

While your commitment to forgiving someone may feel small it is important to acknowledge your intention to forgive that person.

It is a step in the right direction.

5. H- Hold onto forgiveness when you doubt.

In times of doubt or negative emotion you can remember your commitment to forgiving the person who hurt you. In moments when you doubt your forgiveness to that person who hurt you try to remember times when you doubted someone forgave you.

From Worthington's REACH forgiveness workbook he suggests:

"The pain, anger, or fear that arises due to a memory or that comes from encountering the person who hurt us once again are NOT unforgiveness.When you see the person who hurt you and feel the negative feelings (anger, fear, sadness) pop up again, remind yourself: This pain, anger, and fear I'm feeling is not unforgiveness. It's just my body's way of protecting me so I won't make the same mistakes I made last time."

Over time forgiveness becomes an easier practice.

As we make the commitment to practicing forgiveness we can find freedom from the past.

And ultimately find our joy again.

healing
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About the Creator

Emily Stroia

Self-help writer. Meditation teacher. Author. Mother.

Passionate about healing.

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