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For a while I found myself feeling dissatisfied with where I was at in my life. I had gone many recent months feeling down about something I couldn’t explain. It was an emptiness I had never felt so strongly before. And as one does I tried many ways to fill the void that had crept up on me. I tried many things including trying to surround myself with friends, talk to boys that didn’t have my feelings in mind, at one point I even tried to isolate myself from everyone. I felt as though no one could feed my heart that had starved for something I couldn’t find. So if no person could do it, why be around anyone at all? That was my mindset for a good a chunk of time, and I don’t blame myself for thinking that way. I was hurting more than ever, but what I can say is that mindset didn’t help. If anything, it made the void grow larger.
I was in a very dark place that I wasn’t sure was ever going to light up again. I struggled with self-image more than ever, I felt alone, I couldn’t find a purpose, I was constantly grabbing for something to make me feel whole again, I was in one of the most negative mindsets of my life. The things that once brought me so much joy had turned into pointless activities I tried to do to keep myself busy. To keep me from thinking about that void. But just like most negativity in people's lives, I struggled to get away from it, and I truly thought I never would. At least, not by continuing on the way was.
I remember one night I was sitting in my room listening to music trying to fill my mind with some type of positivity when out of nowhere I broke down in tears. I don’t know what triggered my emotions that night. It could have been because that week had been particularly hard, maybe it was because I had finally had enough of the way I was feeling, it might have been the song I was listening to, some lyric could have hit hard, or I might have just been on my period. Whatever the reason for my outburst was, I knew that something needed to change and it needed to change that night. So, I did what I usually do when I’m feeling down. I picked up my journal and I started to write all my feelings down. When I’m feeling emotional, whether it be sadness, happiness, anger, or whatever I’m feeling, the words seem to slide off the paper in a different way. When you have passion in a piece of writing you can feel it in every word. Everything seems to come together so much easier. And let me tell you, that night the words seemed to flow out of me almost as if I was a water balloon that popped. I wrote a very heartfelt poem that night. I can recall reading it in my head once, twice, three times, a fourth, a fifth, and what ended up being at least 20 times before I decided to go ahead and try to go to sleep.
As I rested my head on my pillow, my face glowed a shade of red that I wouldn’t associate with a pretty rose, but more of a shade of red that held so much hurt. My eyes sore from the heavy tears that feel like an ever-flowing waterfall, and my arms wrapped around myself tight to try to give myself a sense of comfort I needed that night. As I went to close my eyes to try to sleep away my pain I did something I hadn’t done in a long time. I prayed.
I asked God for many things. I asked him to fill my heart, I asked him to give me answers, to give me a purpose, I asked for the pain I had felt for so long to get taken away. And almost immediately after I directly spoke to god, something I hadn’t done in the longest time, I could almost feel the hurt get lifted off me with so much grace and love. For the first time in many long months, I went to bed feeling content.
I can’t remember every detail of that next day, but from what I can remember it was a lot happier than any day from the empty months before. That one prayer brought me more joy than anything I ever experienced before that night. An out-of-body experience is the only way I could begin to explain it. It made me realize that the thing that needed to change wasn’t my friends, the school I go to, the way I look, my relationship status—none of that was the cause. The thing that needed to change was my heart, and the only person that could do that was Him.
John 15:5 says, “I am the vine, you are the branches. The one who abides in me while I abide in him produces much fruit because apart from me you can do nothing.”
That night I found that to be beyond true. Without God's love in my life, I truly could do nothing. The void that I was feeling was a lack of a relationship with the lord.
This summer I have done so much to strengthen my relationship with Him. I went to a beautiful Young Life Camp where I learned so much and meet absolutely amazing people, I have started to write again, I have read more about my faith, and I have just overall been trying to live a more Christian life.
No one is perfect and especially not me, so I know I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to still have bad days, I’m going to end up being sad every once in a while, and I’m going to mess up. We all are. It's just one of those things we can’t control, but what I have realized I can control is my heart. I have found something that gives me and my heart purpose, and I don’t plan on letting it go anytime soon. I'm finally whole again.
I am content.