How Did I Get Here?

How did I get here?

I ask myself this question too often.

How did I get to this point in my life? What was the one decision that got me to this point?

Well actually that last question is easy. I chose to move in with my rebound guy. Whoops.

Why did I move in with my rebound guy? I know that’s what everyone is thinking—because honestly I didn’t even like him all that much. I kind of forced myself to, I told myself I was in love with him.

I did this because a few months before the love of my life, my "great" love, dumped me. I had also found out he was cheating on me with a woman he ended up marrying two months later. I was shocked. I thought we were perfect. He was my everything. Then he was gone, and just like that my world came crashing down around me. I left my house happy and came back the next day heart broken with a million questions.

Three years later I still have questions. I still don't understand.

So when this other guy came along who “understood,” I told myself this is what I needed. I needed him. I needed someone who could relate to my heart break. Someone who understood my mental illness.

I overlooked all the signs of abuse to come. I overlooked the fact that he was controlling and I didn't even find him attractive. I pretended this is what I wanted and that I was happy. When in reality all I thought about was my ex.

He took my pain away by feeding me pills and alcohol. That's how I lived every time we were together. Drunk. High.

Three months later we moved in together.

Within the first month I went from “happy” to being more miserable than I had ever been in my entire life. He tried to kill himself three times that month, all for attention while we were fighting. He lost his job immediately. I should've ran when I had the chance at the end of that month. I was talking to my family and they told me to leave, but I didn’t. I was so embarrassed that I had unrooted my life and ruined my relationships with family in order to do this.

All because I was heart broken.

So here I am. It’s two years later, I have a son, thousands in debt, and I’m finally starting to find myself again. I’m with someone new—well actually not new, but a new romantic relationship and he is my soulmate. I knew you were wondering because I said someone else was my "great" love.

Well, my explanation of that is for a different story.

I still can’t wrap my head around my situation. I am constantly wondering how exactly I let myself get to this point. I’m smart, I am University educated. IN WOMEN'S STUDIES no less. My life is an embarrassment to myself if I am going to be honest. I don’t know how to make it better, I don’t know how to make myself feel better. There are so many things I would go back and do differently if given the chance. Unfortunately that’s not an opportunity in life. Instead I need to forgive myself for the choices I made and realize that I have so much good in my life right now. And honestly I love so much of it. I am just so mad at myself for putting myself in the financial situation I am in. I would be better off if I had left earlier. It would be so much better for my son.

We all have something to work on… I guess this is mine.