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Hi there! I'm Kyrsta and today I am writing this to share my journey of finding and loving myself.
As long as I can remember, I have felt insecure—some reasons being genetic: not pencil thin, cowlicks in my hair, sparse eye brows, and of course bad teeth that required braces. All that is enough for most young girls, but I also got to live in my sister's shadow; my sister being a 6'2" pencil thin model with cheek bones that could cut you and the perfect candid laugh/smile combo to rock any picture at any angle, any time of the day. So I guess you could say from a young age I felt invisible. Sometimes that fact was horrible and I just wanted to be noticed, but other times it was a blessing and I didn't have to face people and they didn't need to see me.
As I got older, I faced my own personal demons—some internal like depression and others external like bullies who only led me farther into depression, developing binge-eating disorder, and self-hatred. All of which spiraled into a very fun (sense the sarcasm), never-ending cycle of self loathing: I felt horrible so I ate, when I ate I felt and looked fat, when I felt and looked fat I hated myself, when I hated myself I ate... See where I'm going with this?
This self deprecating pattern continued all through middle school to high school. Finally I was out of high school and thought everything would magically be better now that I was an adult and was moving out of my small town to a big city to chase my dreams. But depression is not something you can truly be cured of. It's a demon that is always with you, even on your good days.
And suddenly IT was back.
A few months ago I was sitting on my couch, home alone, and realized that I truly hated myself. I hated my body, I hated that my body couldn't wear the cute styles I wanted it to, I hated my face and features, hated my stomach and love handles most of all, and I genuinely hated being alone with myself in my head. Suddenly I had the grown up realization that one day I may be one of the people in the world who doesn't fall in love and live happily every after. And that is okay, but if I am going to be stuck with just myself, I needed to make some changes, because I sure am not going to spend the rest of my life with someone I loath this much.
So finally I was ready for change. I was tired of complaining about my weight but not making any changes, etc. It was time to stop complaining and take some action.
So December 2017 I stepped up.
I chose to make choices for myself and not worry what my friends, family, strangers, church member, etc. might say.
I got an undercut and shaved off the back of my head, I pierced my nose, I got a tattoo, I wore a crop top, I got a personal trainer, joined a gym, I ate healthy foods and cut out most carbs, I counted calories (not to an extreme extent) and meal prepped, I started a burlesque class, I checked things off my bucket list (riding a hot air balloon, meeting monkeys, etc.), and I learned about my self.
It has been a hard road, but I can honestly say I have never been happier. Now I look in the mirror and think my belly and thunder thighs are cute! I ask my sister to take pics of me in a bikini at the beach! I'm not afraid to go out without makeup on. When I make eye contact with strangers my first thought is that they think I'm beautiful, not embarrassed, and I no longer care what people think of me.
Yes it's not as simple as it seems. I still feel insecure at times, and there are still times I hate my body or something I do, but I have learned to love the journey and who I am right now along with who I can and will be. Without bumps in the road and the trials we face, we wouldn't be who we are today.
I still have a long journey ahead but now at least I'm on this journey with someone I love.
I know what I deserve and I'm not afraid to demand it. I'm no longer living my life for anyone else, or living according to anyone else's rules or guidelines.
This is my life and it's time I start acting like it.
So let me introduce you to someone pretty amazing: this is Kyrsta 2.0
To see more about my journey, visit my Instagram at @kyrstashae. Feel free to DM for more details!
Now can be your time too, no more excuses!
But know that nothing will change unless you are truly ready to let go of your baggage and make a change for no one else but for you. I'm already in your corner cheering you on! :)