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If you would have asked me five years ago where I imagined myself to be, I would have told you that I imagined myself alone. Not married or falling in love. I would've told you that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with two pitbulls, because having children meant that I would be stuck with a man for 18 years plus.
Five years ago, that was the road I was looking forward to. I was only 20 years old but my life had already had so much havoc, that I had just shut down emotionally. I had no longer believed in love, I had no longer believed that there was a god. I had become a stripper at 19, and I was just interested in casual sex and making money.
I'd never thought that one person can change so much in someone's life. Let alone my own. My husband was the security guard at the club that I was dancing at during the time. I hadn't noticed him right away because I was always focused on just making money and going home, getting drunk and smoking weed.
My roommate, who was also playing the role of something like my lesbian lover, was the one who'd pointed him out because he was always so quiet and in the cut. She'd poke him and call him "big glizzy" because he was a solid heavy set man, and very tall. Like a grizzly bear. We became very good friends after that. I had loved the fact that he was a great listener. He never judged me no matter what it was I telling him. And I told him some deep deep stuff! He was always concerned about how I was feeling. It was refreshing to see a man that wasn't so typical. But it was still very scary, because I felt there was a catch. That he was too good to be true.
After a year, we'd become really close. He would always tell me that he was going to make me fall in love, and I would always respond, "I ain't with none of that love shit." I laugh thinking about it now because here I am deeply in love with the man. Which brings us to today, five years later.
I caved, I fell so deep in love I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. Not only with him, but with god as well. We have definitely had our problems, and arguments. I have had to deal with a massive amount of insecurity, because I was jealous of the mother of his children for a long time. Deep down inside I wanted children, but I kept saying I didn't want any because I was afraid I actually couldn't bare any children due to an abortion, and contracting an STD in the past. Before my husband there was an old boyfriend who actually tried to get me pregnant on purpose on a number of occasions and nothing ever happened.
After months of crying, nights of prayer and feeling incomplete, feeling depressed, and like I wasn't a woman. I had finally let it go. I had finally forgiven myself for aborting the only child I so much regretted letting go. I finally accepted that God has forgiven me, since I'd asked him over and over again. I'd stopped punishing myself. And then months later I had become pregnant with my daughter who is now one year old.
Six months after her birth I'd gotten pregnant again, but had a miscarriage at the 10th week of the pregnancy. It tore me up inside. I couldn't understand why that had happened to me. Was it because I was still breastfeeding? Was it because I was stressed about weaning my daughter and the tough days ahead of me? Was god punishing me for what I had done in the past? I didn't know. But eventually, I had healed from that too.
Months later I had found out we were expecting... again! And to our surprise, this time it's twins. To go from feeling like I would never have children, to having children back to back truly is a blessing. And no one can tell me that it isn't. I am now a full time stay at home mom, with a one year old, a two year old step son, an eight year old step son, a 13 year old step son, and seven months pregnant with healthy boy and girl twins. My life has truly changed in so many ways, but for the better. God has placed love in my life in ways I never imagined, or never wanted to imagine, but I'm happy it's happening.
This is my new life, full of joy, love, and endless patience.