Guilt for Feeling Good

Yes, this is a bizarre guilt. Maybe it is related to certain people’s mental health behaviors, I’m not sure. It is truly odd to feel guilty for feeling good, yes? This is what I feel about doing well. The guilt is ridiculous. I’m doing better than I ever have in my life with consistent blood sugars. I’m doing great, in fact. Although my last A1c was a 7.6% give or take an average of 171, I wanted to get that to an average of 150 mg/dl.

My guilt feelings are silly. But well, I feel it, as certain people are in pain a lot of the time while I’m not, as I’m doing fabulous. In general, I’m doing great enough to start working in loss prevention, being a cook at Denny’s or perhaps working for GNC. If I get all three jobs, I’m going to have to choose the most entertaining or alternate my schedule. I’m just loony enough to do all three jobs, all while maintaining my writing gigs. This means I have to choose one job. Things are making sense, and I’m making progress on the job front.

I will have to choose one or two jobs. Maybe loss prevention won’t work with my knee the way it is right now, and while it is healing, I have to pick the job that is easiest for my mental health. I feel good daily, which is why I think feeling guilty about this is totally nuts. I do not have to feel guilty, because I feel good. I feel weird saying this. I need to make enough money to escape the parents on weekends. If I have to stay put to work, okay then, work provides an escape from the house.

I mean I’m going to start working soon enough and then I will be doing even better than I’m doing now. I need to quit giving myself guilt trips on why I’m happy and healthy. I have to buy some stress management books, give or take, from my Amazon gift card birthday present. I’m going to do even better, daily, and try to quit feeling guilty about doing well, period. Also, I have improved my cooking since my parents left the country. I managed to get the dough to rise, I made myself an Indian butter chicken, a chicken satay with peanut sauce, and Portuguese sweet bread.

I don’t get people who know they need medication but refuse it, or maybe they don’t know they do and don’t want to understand themselves as such. I have looked up hotels in my region to stay in and I found one. This is what I’m going to do, evacuate, get the hell away. I also need enough money to buy myself a new laptop before they show up, and I can do this on eBay. Amazon is losing its touch these days. I will be working when they show up. My knee is healing daily. This is much improved.

I’m also losing weight, seeing as I’ve lost 7 pounds or more. I try to eat well, despite being forced to eat canned goods from food banks for now. I’m just doing well in general, even if certain people say things like I have a long way to go to prove I can live independently, to which I fumed. What a way to tell me, gee, I’m proud of you for succeeding and that’s just more proof she wants to throw me under the bus. This is ridiculous. I feel insanely guilty about doing well, which I need to let go of this guilt. This is just more emotional machinations directed at me. I refuse to feel guilty anymore, because I’m a survivor doing well. I let it go, I refuse to feel it. I don’t want it anymore. I’m going to sleep at night.