I’ve been through a change as of late, in my mind, body, and soul. Over the past month or so I’ve seen a tremendous change in myself. I am comfortable in my own skin, I’m comfortable making decisions and doing things on my own. Before I felt as if I was just floating through life and now I’m really living, feeling every single moment.
This is why it's been a while since my last post. I’ve been too distracted to actually sit down and write, I’ve had too much on my mind and the thought of trying to organise the mess of thoughts was too much to handle. Yet now I realise its because I’ve been on an unconscious journey of sorts, a metamorphosis if you will. Now everything is as clear as can be, my mind is organised and my soul is clear.
If anyone is feeling lost or distracted this may be of some help or it could be completely irrelevant to your situation. I’m not going to tell anyone how to live their life, just how I’m choosing to live mine.
The first step, I feel even though it was small it may have been the biggest one as it propelled everything into action; it was the rolling snowball of my growth.
I got my license and I brought a car. Two things that nearly everyone on this planet goes through however most go though it a bit younger than I did. In Australia everyone gets their license at 18, me being 21, I felt like I was very late; that I was behind my peers. Afterwards though, I was unaware of the impact and the freedom getting your license is. I no longer have to rely on parents, friends or boyfriends to get me places, run my errands for me or to pick me up. It has, not to be dramatic but, changed my life.
The next step I took was joining the gym, another small and meaningless act, however, it turned out to be monumental. I used to be someone who would workout everyday without a doubt, yet along the way I lost my passion for it. I was used to being forced to workout, to be screamed at to run faster, to lift heavier. I began to view exercise as punishment and I resented it. When the screams and the whistles were taken out of the equation I felt free from it, I was no longer under punishment. Even with my newfound freedom though, I started to notice changes, some I did not like. My mind was tired after a ten hour sleep, I was walking and talking but I wasn’t awake. The lights were on but nobody was home.
I started going and just doing what I wanted and if I didn’t feel up to a workout I would take it easy or rest, I wasn’t forcing myself to do something I didn’t want to do. It took its time but eventually I was able to stop seeing exercise as a punishment but as a reward. a reward for being alive.
And finally I started university. While this is still very new, it is the final piece that clicked everything into place. I found a place filled with likeminded individuals who all share the same aspirations as I do. Sitting in a seminar for a philosophy class and listening to the lecturer discuss Freud it was as if I was listening to a language I had forgotten long ago. I finally feel like I belong.
I didn’t realise any of this was happening at the time, only once it had all taken place. Maybe this is just what growing up is meant to feel like, but something is telling me that its more than that. For maybe the first time I feel as if I am on the right path, doing what I am meant to be doing with my life.