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I've always been a dreamer.
I've always had things I've wanted to do, places I've wanted to go, dreams of useless talents that could take me places; whether stupid, small, or secretly large. I've always had this urge... a—desire, I suppose you could say—to be known. Heard. Maybe it's my huge ego, but I want that for the best of reasons, I swear. And I hate that I want it because I should be humble and shit but I'm not. I want to be known for something. I want to die knowing that I was really good—no, scratch that—G R E A T at something. All my life, I've never had something that I'm really great at. I've been late to everything.
I didn't start surfing seriously until I was 14. I never followed a real sport. I was always doing more so... activities. I have and had hobbies that I pursued, but I never have or had gone super in depth with them somehow. I don't know what else I could do to go more "in depth" per say but... I don't know... my hobbies have never turned into talents really. They've just never been—there.
Nothing I do has ever been there. And it fucking frustrates the hell of out me because I feel like I have some potential to be great at something in my life but I just don't know what. Like for instance, (don't laugh but) I've always had this dream to do competitive sports.
I know I'm too old for it now really, but I'm competitive by nature. I want to win at everything I do because I never win anything, really. I'm the type of competitor that gets butt hurt because I don't take competitions lightly. I get butt hurt when I lose because I care so much about everything I do. I have passion. I have drive. Again, I have this deep desire and weird feeling that I should be great at something. I want to hone a craft like hell. I want to be great at something in my life.
It's cool to dabble in stuff, but I dabble too much. I've always done that and I've felt like I've gotten nowhere with it. I look like I know what I'm doing in what I dabble in until the last second where and when I need to know that talent the most. So basically, at the final push, in the moments when I need to be great—I'm not. And again, it frustrates the fuck out of me because I have this want to be great at something through and through.
I guess I'm in this mood because I binge watched surf edits today because it was just one of those days where I binge watch surf edits all day. Any surfer knows that you have "one of those days," at least once a week. But I have always had a weird, fascinating obsession with athletes. They are so fascinating to me; from a human standpoint but also a science standpoint. Think about it; who ever you believe created us—God, Buddah, James Dean, Mother Nature, aliens—created a select number of special human beings to like, be great at (insert what sport they play) and for thousands of people to watch and be like, "Well, shit. I need to step up my game in life." And the thing is, it's actually in their genetics. By biology and genetics, they are built to be "athletes." My sister (a bio major) was explaining this to me. She said, "Their genes from their mom and dad have made their bone structure, muscle structure, height, weight—pretty much everything about them--to be a qualifying athlete. If their mom or dad or something down their genetic line had had any type of genetic mishap, like a knee being shorter than the other, then they are more likely to not be qualified as an 'athlete' [by biology's standards] and could potentially develop problems in the future from training too hard [like athletes do] and injuring themselves."
Like when you think about it—just wow. That's so cool and also as equally frustrating for peasants like me who may not have the genetic code of an "athlete" because of my gene line. I have never been super athletic. It's only been in the last couple of years that I've realized my own athletic ability because I came late to the game. I was never strong enough or had the stamina to really do anything. I was a lazy, fat kid and then I don't know, something changed when I was like 14. I got kinda of good at stuff. I got really good at running actually. I was at cross-country levels of good. And it was all because I wanted to beat the boys and get a good mile time just for myself to be proud of. But again, I was never on cross country. Kind of anti-climactic right?
Even though I have crazy dreams and an insane drive, when I want to and when I truly believe in something... I never chased any of the things I wanted because I felt like I was never good enough. It's like what I was talking about earlier. I'm good at something until the last second... the final push—when it matters. When it matters, that's when I give and I never seem to finish correct. Even on daily tasks, I have remember not to be lazy. I have to remember to dot my i's and cross my t's. It sounds ridiculous because I'm old and shit but I guess I'm just... lazy at certain times and with certain things.
I just really feel like there's something brewing inside of me that I need to figure out and to listen to. I know that it has to do something with surfing and I know that it has to do with something about photography, my other hobby.... I just don't know what I need to do with it or how to get from good to great like I want to. Those are the only signs and indications my seventh sense is given me and I need to figure it out. This has been brewing and bothering me in my chest for a months now—kind of ever since I injured myself. And I want to listen to it. Do something with it. I just hope the Universe gives me what I need and I hope that Life doesn't tie me down.